What to write what to write what to write… have had blinding headache for 3 days now, so brain not quite working as seemlessly as it should (HA! not that it ever does!)
Im at my desk at work trying to work but due to said headache, blogging seemed to be a slightly less arduous task. Naughty? I know. But I was in early this morning so I guess that makes up for it?
Have had water, panadol, ibuprofen, coffee, the only thing I havent tried for this darned ache is more sleep but suspect that wont work either. Run this morning however, did seem to go well. Its the first Wednesday morning run that I have managed since I started the new job- I dont cope well with Wednesdays generally but I had to run today in order to be able to visit the gym tomorrow morning and then after that I fly out to Sydney for a fun long weekend (yay!).
So, this morning my lovely dream about some gorgeous man (who for once was NOT Mr X, thank GOD), trying to woo me. So very very lovely. Anyhoo, alarm, bleck. Cant possibly be 5:20 already!! (we didnt even get to the first goodbye kiss! Damn me and my running plans!) I must say now that I do love my bed. I love love love it! Especially the first night back after being onsite, because the hideous little plank they call a bed up there is just impossible to sleep well in. Further, being a side sleeper my hips actually end up feeling bruised! So Tuesday night sleep is always so lovely and I feel so contented when I finally sink into my lovely soft bed and 500 thread count sheets….mmmm yay 🙂 (I did buy some 1000 threadcount bedlinen but Im waiting until I have a house of my own to crack those lovelies).
Eventually I coaxed myself out of my cocoon and still sleep-drunk, managed to get myself dressed and dogs fed, all with a dreamy grin on my face from the lovely dream memories lingering. Im not obsessed with having a man in my life, I know it may seem that way in light of the previous couple of posts. I was obsessed with having a particular man in my life but Im working through that. Last weekend I deleted him from facebook and I deleted his number from my phone. I panicked. Oh boy did I panic, I felt like calling every mutual friend I had and getting the number back, or emailing him (unfortunately, I cannot erase his email address from my brain) pretending that my phone had had some kind of mishap and I had managed to erase all numbers, or that somehoe I had accidently deleted all of my FB friends….but eventually the panic did pass and now I just feel like I am missing a limb or something, but I strangely do feel a little calmer.
I have been reading up a little on positive psychology. Every time I have a self limiting thought or start to mope I force myself to flip the thought into a positive or to rationalise that it is unlikely that I will never meet anyone ever again. After all- I meet new people almost every day! Etc. There are also the positive affirmations to myself in the mirror each morning (when Im awake enough to remember). I have to say, whenever I start talking to myself in the mirror, I suddenly become very self conscious, I start being suspicious about there being a hidden camera somewhere or something. I doubt I would be a good Big Brother candidate! However, I have managed to hurriedly mumble a couple “C you’re a strong person, you will get through this and be stronger than ever..” and then I look embarrassed (possibly by the fact that I have just caught myself talking to myself), then finish rinsing my toothbrush and dash away before the hidden camera man emerges from his hiding place clutching his stomach with laughter.
Im not sure the positive affirmation stuff is really for me, I hate making eye contact with people I know and love, so making eye contact with myself in the mirror whilst sprouting affirmations is just, well, weird. I am astonished however, at how red I actually do go when I get embarrassed- no elegant pink blush for me, no. Beetroot red, no hiding that! Note to self, refrain from getting embarrassed in public in future.
So, I arrived at the run meeting point not feeling so depressed as I have of late, somewhat awake, and all positively affirmed and ready to meet the world (albeit with sunglasses and ear warmer head band thingy to higde me from said world until I felt awake enough to remove the comforting items). I still believe that sunglasses make me somewhat invisible and that makes me feel better.
We did about 7km and I even managed a few interval type- sprints at the end: just because. Not our fastest run but we arent actually training for anything specific at the moment so there’s no pressure to really go all out at every training session. I think the only reason I was so spritely was because I had such a picturesque setting within which to run. The 2km loop that I run on site on Mondays really doesnt inspire me all that much, especially after the 3rd or 4th loop. Red dirt, and more red dirt. Mind you, the sunrise up there is amazing.
Gym tonight, Im feeling a bit guilty that I still have not managed a spell in the gym outside my scheduled pt sessions. Last weekend was so frantic that I just didnt get the time, plus my legs were on strike after the efforts last week, particularly with Jacobs ladder. However, now that the running events are mostly done with, I think I will try and shift focus a bit more to gym rather than running all the time.
I have had a couple of comments in the past few days along the lines of “you’ve lost weight”. So this exercise thing must be kicking in finally. I certainly dont feel like Ive lost weight and Im pretty sure my clothes fit me the same as they did 4 weeks ago, and Im even more certain that any weight loss is probably more attributed to no dinner on Mondays and Tuesdays and loss of appetite from fretting/grieving these past few weeks. What I really want is less wobbly bits, but the fact that they are getting smaller (apparently) is a good start. 🙂
Although having said that, somehow a few choc chip cookies did make it into my lunchbox on Monday and Tuesday. A big no, no! But oh, how I enjoyed them 🙂
Must appreciate the simple things.
I am grateful for chocolate chip cookies.