Just another phase, or, progress?

My days seem to be blurring together like trees do when you are driving past at high speed.  Where is this year going? My life is flashing before me it seems, whilst I seem to be stalled and unable to make progress on anything that I wanted to achieve this year.  I have neither become the fit lean body I had intended to have by now, nor have I really pushed my boundaries at work (although I have in the past week made a start), and it feels like I really havent spent much quality time with my dogs, family or friends.  It feels like I am just waking up from some kind of hibernation and realising I have just lost about 6 months in the space of 5 minutes! (actually, make that 2.5 years…)

Some people call that introspection.  I call it wallowing in self pity.  And I admit it, that is what I have been doing for a long time, even during the year that I was in a relationship with a loving, generous man (post Mr X), I was still wallowing, on the inside. This of course, made it impossible for me to really be in that relationship…

So it would appear that I have emerged from my cocoon, for how long, I dont know.  However, refreshed or no, I now have cause for panic: I have to be bikini ready by December 1 and I still look the same as I did that woeful day 8 weeks and 6 days ago!!! Not to mention the weekend of laziness and gluttony I have just had- which, has now turned into a week of laziness, given I forgot to pack sport socks and my feet were far too blistered after walking around Sydney in new shoes (what was I thinking?!!!) to attempt a run without them. ugh. 

I need to start moving this body of mine, and I need to start doing…stuff!!

I finished reading Brida last night, found myself weeping with vigour at the end, “I understand your pain, Magus”, I was thinking, “I am in a form of Dark Night too” But if he can look beyond with faith and anticipate a happy future, then I guess, so can I.  It’s been a long time since a book as struck a chord with me the way this one has and I am sure it will be one that I read more than once (plus,all up it takes less than a day to read which is a bonus).

So… I may have, may have, in a bout of lonliness or desperation, or …something, the other day, ventured onto a dating site, and I may have found myself trawling through a few profiles, and wondering if I should post my own and jump back into the dating scene.  And whilst the lonely part of me was saying “DO IT”, a slightly louder inner voice was saying “NO” or, at the very least, “NOT YET”.

And to my surprise, I found the lonely voice agreeing (with an only a slight begrudging tone) that I’m probably more content being in my own space for the time being. 

??

!!

…and then even more surprisingly, I found myself thinking, “I think that also includes Mr X”.

!!!!!

It is a very strange place to be in.  Not wanting to date anyone else because I still found myself looking for the qualities that I loved in Mr X and also knowing that if I went on a date with any of these men, my first instinct would be to compare them to him.  However, a little squeaky voice inside is starting to clear its throat and is now starting to speak up- and I think it is saying that Im not sure if I want Mr X now, anyway. 

Of course, in a few hours when I walk through my front door to confront an empty house, I may very well be plunged back into my usual state of depression at the thought of not having him in my life, and jealousy for the woman who does, swings and roundabouts I guess.  At least Im finally beginning to experience some swing, which surely, is a sign of progress!

The other development for this week is, that I all of a sudden have an unshakeable desire to take photographs, lots of them.  Unfortunately, I do not have a camera with me so I cant (my iPhone really doesnt cut it for sunrise/sunset landscapes), but I have made a very firm decision to upgrade my camera.  Photography is something I have in the past thought might be nice to be able to do but I have never seemed to have the energy or inclination to really apply myself to learn about it.  Now,  I am ravenous for information and I have spent every spare moment the last few days, trawling through photgraphy forums and I have even ordered a couple of books online so that I can teach myself.

I have no idea where this sudden urge has come from but somehow I just know it is the right time for me to learn.  I have already researched a few cameras and I think I have a refined wishlist, now I need to find the time to get into a store and play around with them to see which one will be “My” camera.

I have no idea what I will photograph, anything and everything.  I find myself looking for the “picture” in the seemingly most mundane environments.  Its all very odd and arty farty and a little bit out of character for me.  The last time I expressed my artistic side I was 15 years old (scarily, thats over half my lifetime ago…!).  Then I had to think about what subjects I needed to do for my TEE and I dropped art and theatre in favour of the more “sensible” subjects, and then proceeded to squash any artistic urge I have had since then.

This will either be an interesting and a huge developmental step in my own journey of self discovery;

Or,

It will turn out to be a colossal waste of money.

I am hoping for the former (obviously)… along with a loss of about 8kg…

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