Concrete Swans

It has been a weekend of highs and extreme lows.

The high was that I successfully completed the mountainbiking course- without severely injuring myself.

The first low was that I almost put an offer on a house this weekend. That is, until I realised that my furniture was not going to fit in said house. Said house was advertised as being 65 square metres, but when I measured all of the rooms- I realised it is in actual fact only 44 square metres. It had a backyard big enough for the dogs though, and it was situated in a nice street. However, I just couldnt fathom how I would squeeze myself into a space so tiny that I wouldnt even have room to open my refrigerator door all the way, and still be happy. The estate agent suggested I buy new furniture. Oh, why didnt I think of that? Hand over even more money, on top of the mortgage and all the renovating I would have to do to bring the house up to an even average standard of living? Sure just wait a moment while I go harvest my money tree out the back- I had noticed it was becoming overladen anyway, lucky me!

Needless to say, such a suggestion did not warm me to this particular real estate agent so I was even less inclined to consider putting an offer in after that. In addition, having reviewed the Title to the property, I notice that the owners had only bought the house in November last year. So, they have had the house for all of 10 months. And this makes me suspicious.

No, in the end, it did not feel right, and I started to feel panicky at the prospect of putting an offer in. Yes, buying a house on your own is a scary thing, but you should at least still be happy and excited about the prospect of that house becoming yours, even if those feelings are accompanied with nausea and nerves.

So, Im back to house hunting again.

However, the fact that I have managed to escape another weekend without a mortgage means that I was able to feel less guilty about forking out approx $100 on cab fares yesterday in order to be able to enjoy a “few” glasses of sparkling at a southern suburbs establishment with a couple of girlfriends. This was after I was told in no uncertain terms that I had best make an appearance, or I will be physically dragged out of my house in my PJ’s, splotchy tear stained face and wild hair.

That is, I could go willingly and in a presentable fashion, or not. But either way, I was going.

It is a wonderful thing to have friends like this. I cant imagine why anyone would want to be in my company when depression hits me with the force of a tornado and when all that remains of my (formerly) exuberant, bubbly self, is a quivering, blubbering mess. But somehow, I have managed to attract people into my life who show no fear when confronted with my unpredictable emotions, and who in these moments are willing to tolerate my erratic behaviour and tell me in no uncertain terms that life does go on (and champagne continues to flow), even after you are blindsided by unexpectedly catching sight of the love of your life and his new love in your rearvision mirror (enter the extreme low).

Thinking back over yesterday, I marvel at how I have managed to get myself out of bed at all these past two and a half years without the threat of being physically dragged out into public against my will. I really think nothing less would have had me venturing into public yesterday afternoon, I was emotionally exhausted. Despite my efforts and trying everything I possibly could to repair myself these past years (with new intensity over the past few months in particular), I felt I had finally been beaten. Consequently, I simply did not have it in me to once again plaster a smile on my face and spend the afternoon pretending to be something I wasnt: i.e. happy.

No, nothing less than those three phonecalls and one voice message would have had me trapsing to the bar yesterday (albeit in dark glasses, half ironed shirt and a million pins attempting to tame my wild hair because I could not be bothered styling it). So, to my two bossy no-nonsense but wonderful friends, I concede, “Concrete Swans”.

Which, for the rest of the population, translates to something like: The Universe gives you what you need when you need it.

And so it was with this thought in my (sore) head this morning, that I was able to (gingerly) get myself out of bed and face the world- unaided- once again.

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