Rules or Guidelines?

Keira Knightly and Geoffrey Rush made this a well known distinction in the portrayal of their characters in the movie “Pirates of the Carribbean”, I’m sure you can guess where this is going.

So, my profile says Im ideally looking for a man somewhere between the age of 30-42 (just quietly, preferably 32+).  I receive an email from a 44yo pommy fellow (lets call him “Jed”), with a distinctive beer gut (as opposed to being just a little out of shape which I would not necessarily have a problem with- we have all been there at some point).  The email reads as follows:

“42 max?

I’m a young 44, hey what can 700+ days make?”

my reponse:

“Gee, I don’t know Jed, you tell me, given you are, as you say, 44, yet you are looking for a partner with a max age 2 years your junior?

Cheers anyway, good luck in your search.”

I’m sorry people BUT the profile is there for a reason.  Sure, the ideal partner stats are only a guideline but lets just be a tad realistic here.

1. If my profile states that I like sport (ok not that Ive been doing much these past two weeks but I am NORMALLY very active), then Im unlikely to go for a man whose only common interest is reading biographies.  I read them, yes, but its hardly the central focus of my life.

2.  If I state that I wish to meet someone within a 50km radius, then the fact that you live 400+km away does not bode well for you. Next.

3. If you have gone out of your way to explicitly state (in your profile and/or in your first email to me) that erotica is a turn-on for you.  Then the fact that you have consequently received no response from me means that I am currently feeling too physically ill at the thought of what might be encompassed by the word “erotica”, to be capable of responding.  Please do not ever contact me again.

4. Don’t think for one second that the significance of the 30-42 age range, which basically indicates that you are looking for a baby-making machine, is lost on me.  I can empathise re: your age predicament, really.  However, that fact alone means that I am not your girl. It is not my fault that you spent your youthful years travelling the globe and bonking anything and everything that moved.  That said, perhaps if you backtrack a little there’s probably a good chance you might very well find some long lost offspring you so strongly desire, thus ticking the relevant box AND having an excuse to engage in some more global frolicking. Win-Win.

Yes I want children one day, but I am not going to settle down with just any man the moment the ticking clock suddenly becomes a booming sledgehammer, and in any case at the age of 32, my clock is still just a ticking clock.

Keep in mind that children eventually grow up and leave.  The love of your life will be with you ’til the end (God willing).  And the chances of finding the love of your life are far greater if you stick to people, which at the very least, include your own age group.

……Unless your name is Johnny Depp and you are offering to get the squeak out of my door. In which case, I emphasise the bit about my ideal partner stats merely being “guidelines”.

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