I was told recently, during one of my many whine sessions about MR X and his new love and their new house-hunting adventures, that I have a negative personality. This was said with the intention of helping me to realise that I have spent far too long crying over that failed relationship, that Mr X has moved on and that I need to accept it and move on myself. Of course, in the moment it was said, I was a little shocked and hurt by the statement but I did my absolute best not to become engulfed by a new wave of tears and sobs. Later, I realised, grudgingly, that they were probably right. Why AM I dwelling on this? Thinking about it all the time does not make me feel better, its never going to fix what happened, I just need to build a bridge already!!
Easier said than done of course. Many posts in this blog have been dedicated to the ongoing battle between my head and my heart. Neither side willing to relent. One day my head wins and Im on a high and feel like I can conquer anything, only to have the my heart launch a new advance just a few hours later, which has my logical, sensible head retreating and leaving me physically cowering in the corner of the shower recess.
Neither side ever has a lasting victory. It is frustrating, devastating and exhausting.
Nevertheless I have made a conscious effort over the past week and a half since the comment was made, to not allow myself to become upset by any thoughts of Mr X. I have mostly tried to not think of him at all but if I do, to ignore any thoughts of him by just allowing them to enter my mind and float back out again without acknowledging their presence. I still have conversations in my head, replaying circumstances that lead to the demise of our “relationship” (if you can even call it that), of course this time with the clairity of hindsight providing me the outcome I desire. My resolve wavered somewhat earlier this week when once again I was faced with the possibility that the house purchase may fall through because of a deadline almost not being met. Whilst I sat alone in my little tin can in the middle of nowhere on Monday night, I found myself berrating myself for ever thinking I was capable of completing such a big transaction off my own back, and then of course, wondering how much easier it might be for Mr X and his new love to get through such nerve wracking moments when they have each other to turn to for comfort and reassurance, whilst I, in my effort not to drag my friends any further into my depressing cloud of emotional muck, had to just sit tight and wait it out all on my own.
Sure enough, in the end it all turned out fine, and thus yesterday I walked into a women’s networking function with my head held high. Proud and confident. It is therefore rather ironic that halfway through the event I realised I was sitting next to Ms B.
Ms B was a lovely lady who I got talking to about study and work life balance, and relationships and when on earth are we going to have time to have kids?
At some point during this conversation something dawned on me: Ms B was in fact a recent girlfriend of Mr X. Approx 6 months after Mr X and I went out separate ways, he was involved with Ms B. Only it turns out he wasnt just involved with Ms B, he was seeing someone else (possibly his new Love) at the same time. A situation which was not entirely uncommon to the way he handled relationships, a situation which I was not unfamiliar with myself during my courtship with him (and no doubt there were others who I am not aware of). Ms B was presumably unaware also due to the very fiery way she ended that relationship. All of this is second hand knowledge of course, I never actually met Ms B, nor witnessed the semi-public exchange that saw Mr X standing in her dust as she stormed out of the building (good for her, I wish I had shown such courage to lose my temper with him and let him really know how unacceptable his behaviour was). I was thus secretly empathetic to her situation, knowing how hurt she must have been, as was I.
In any case, the irony lies in the fact that after deciding to do my best NOT to think about him, the universe shoves an ex-girlfriend of his, quite literally, in my face!!
She is thankfully (I presume) unaware of who I am and what connection we share, but we did end up chatting for quite a while and I found myself liking this person. We exchanged business cards and I later received an email from her inviting me to join her at another networking function in a couple of weeks time.
Im in two minds whether to go or not. I feel like its deceitful, now that I realise who she is, to continue developing any sort of friendship, professional or personal, because one day she is sure to ask me what my professional background is and where I have worked previously, and then the penny will drop that I at least know Mr X and who knows if she ever knew of me? I know I had a tearful (on my part) phonecall with Mr X while he was seeing her. Something which I am not proud of, although I at least did not beg him to come back.
The whole situation seems ….uncomfortable.
Yet I cant help but think that it is too much of a coincidence that I met her (or perhaps its not, this city is known for the fact that there appears to be about 2 degrees of separation between everybody).
Am I supposed to learn something from this?