A Work in Progress

I’m pleased to report, the bugs have finally left my system (I think, I hope). 

I’m not so pleased to report that due to having a sore throat for about 6 days, I was forced to consume about 4L of sorbet and ice cream to achieve any relief (Betadiene gargle and Difflam throat spray were just not cutting it).  However, the upshot is that due to the fact that gastroenteritis immediately preceded the sore throat/flu situation, my appetite is still that of a fussy 2yo.  Consequently, 4L of sorbet and ice cream is the only thing (bar a few bananas) that I have consumed in the past week.  So, whilst I have done no exercise for about 2.5 weeks, and regardless of the fact that I have zero muscle tone, I am still looking more bikini ready than I was 2 weeks ago.  Thank YOU Universe!  Or perhaps more accurately, thank you Jack, the unsuspecting 6yo who infected me in the first place.

When I signed off last week, I had just informed you all that I had deleted my dating profiles.  I have not looked back.  I have not even had the slightest inkling of interest to upload a new profile, which is probably a good indication that I did the right thing.  That’s not to say though, that I have no interest in falling in love or any of that.  I have just been trying to engage with the Law of Attraction and visualise a happy future, with someone I love that isn’t Mr X.  I’m hoping that the more I visualise this, the more I will come to believe it. Because that’s how the Law of Attaction works, you have to believe it.  I have to believe that I can be happy without Mr X in my future.

Easier said than done but I’m getting there. 

Yes, of course its going to take me more than a week but it has been easier since I have stopped dating men that I have no interest in dating, just for the sake of being able to be out and not at home moping.  Ironic then, that I have been so sick the past two weeks that all I have been able to summon the energy for in my free time is to move from my bed to the couch and lift the remote control (with the exception of the occasional dog walk).  So, the one place I didn’t want to be, is he one place I have been unable to escape!  Consequently, I went into work on my RDO last week just to be able to say I didn’t spend 3 whole days indoors when there was beautiful sunny weather to be enjoyed outdoors.

I don’t know if this visualisation is going to work.  But I want to believe it will. A beautiful friend last week sent me an email entitled “Happiness -a conscious decision”.  Is it really a conscious decision? Or is it simply an inevitable consequence of making decisions that empower ourselves? Either way, I suppose it doesn’t really matter, somewhere in the process there is a decision involved in which we can either choose to focus on something positive that hopefully eventually leads to happiness, or focus on what we have lost and be miserable.

I’m still somewhere in between.  I am focussing on work and all of the things I want to achieve in the next 12 months. I am focussing on my house and all the things I need to fix in the next 12 months.  I am focussing on how I might get to Italy in the next 12 months.  All of these things make me feel empowered and 8 times out of 10 will bring a smile to my face. 

But there are moments when I still cannot shake the bitterness and the regret for how I handled the whole situation with Mr X.  I can’t forgive myself for not trying just one more time to get through to him, to make him understand how much I loved him. I had waited so long, why could I have not waited 3 more weeks to talk to him in person?

I suppose until I do forgive myself, I will not be over him.

So, I guess you could say, I am a work in progress. 

In the meantime, there are holidays, work and renovations to help distract me from my melancholy.

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