The Waiting Game

Our Bali Villa Pool

‘Tis true I have not blogged for some time now.  I have a good excuse- I was on holiday.  In Bali, the home of Bali Belly and Bintang.  Where you can buy the same sarong in 500 different stalls and haggle over a 20c price difference (same, same but different!).  I quickly adjust to Bali standards and after a few days I become genuinely offended by such price differentials as though the vendor were attempting to relieve me of an extra $200.  It’s all relative, and part of the fun.

I did come home with a particularly bad bout of Bali-Belly from which I am still recovering.  There’s something quite different about the bugs you pick up over there, the abdominal cramping is quite excruciating and unlike the average gastro bug I might pick up from my best friends 6yo on occasion.  Nevertheless, despite my concern I boarded the plane at 5 past midnight on a very early Wednesday morning, after downing a couple of gastro-stop, crossed my fingers, and hoped for the best.

I made it home, without having to run to the bathroom every 5 minutes (or rupturing anything internally), but I did manage to fidget enough (through lack of ability to find a comfy position to spend the 3.5 hours in), to annoy the lady sitting next to me such that rather than really being asleep it seemed more like she was clenching her eyelids so tightly so as to mentally block me out.  I found this fascinating of course and inadvertently found myself openly staring at her rather intently.  At which point of course, she opened her eyes and caught me.  Luckily, the air hostess had just passed around the customs declaration forms and, assuming she was asleep, handed me a spare.  I passed it to her but I don’t think she bought the cover.

Needless to say my weekend was somewhat uneventful and entirely lacking in physical exercise, unless you call cleaning the bathroom and operating a remote control, exercise….

Its Monday now and I am still suffering the occasional stomach cramp but I am determined to do some training tonight as I have to get back in shape (other than “round”).  I bought a beautiful dress in Bali which will be perfect for my friend’s wedding, but if I’m not careful, I wont be able to fit into the dress come January if I persist with my diet of ice-cream and vegemite toast (not together, obviously but sometimes in that order).

I have also been feeling strangely numb about everything. My house settled last week and I could barely muster enough enthusiasm to text “woohoo” to my mortgage broker.  It could be due to the fact that I can’t move in for another 3 months.  So, in an effort to get the “homeowner” status to sink in, I logged into netbanking and sat staring at the astronomical home loan balance for a while, but that only served to make me feel more nauseous, somewhat jittery and a lot scared, so I logged out.

I have also been feeling rather blasé about Mr X.  I’m still sad – but I’m also a little tired of waking up cranky because I’ve had a dream about him. It’s exhausting and frustrating.

I’m also tired of the constant dialogue going on in my head, I think about him all the time, and half the time I don’t even realise I’m doing it.  Then I catch myself at it and I stop to consider those thoughts and most of the time now I can’t even be bothered getting upset about it anymore.  Sometimes I get so ticked off about his constant presence in my head that I wonder if I really do still love him that much at all, or if I am just holding onto all of this because I’m scared I will never love anyone like that again.  Despite how miserable he made me most of the time, my feelings for him were so overwhelming and special and it did feel good to love someone so much.  

I didn’t realise I was even capable of loving someone that much.  It felt amazing.

While that is good information to have, it also means that I will not be happy until I find someone who makes me feel the same way, and who knows when that will be given it took me 30 years to find it the first time around, and I’m not getting any younger.

Perhaps I’m feeling a little like I’m in limbo after having such an eventful year.  Now it just feels like I’m back to waiting.  Waiting for new opportunities to present themselves, waiting for the next flurry of activity. Waiting for motivation, and as I have said before- patience is not one of my virtues!

Oh well, if I must wait, may as well take a spell and put my feet up. Now, where did I put my book…?


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