I spoke to one of my girlfriends yesterday. She has decided to sell up her house and disappear overseas for a couple of months. Boy, do I envy her that freedom. Ok, I just bought a house but realistically, even if I had the option of selling it for a healthy profit, it would probably be career suicide for me to pack up and leave for a couple of months right now. Yes, I do envy her ability to just go and I really do believe it will help. It will give her a new perspective, a fresh outlook and hopefully when she comes back, she wont feel quite so trapped. Not quite so stale. And perhaps the many unhappy reminders that currently surround her will lose their intensity.
I am still trying to ignore the reminders but it is near on impossible. Moving house might help- a new suburb, new surroundings. Now if I could just convince the government to ban all Landrovers and take them off the road, that might help too. Every time I see one, not his necessarily, but just the same model car, it all comes back. Stupid I know, the thing is, as our relationship was always “hush-hush”, most of the time I ever spent with him was either indoors (at my place, mostly because he didnt want his neighbours to catch on that something was going on), cycling, or… in his car driving around running errands. So, relative to the total amount of time we actually did spend together alone, a lot of my memories involve his car. When I think about it, it seems quite ridiculous that you can fall in love with someone who you really didnt spend much time with at all – at least, not on a regular basis.
In any case, I look forward to some reprieve when I finally get to move into the house. There will be a few months of work ahead of me to get the place into a basic form of “comfortable” and I am hoping that will be enough to distract my attention from the black-ish cloud that seems to be a constant presence. My spirits have been noticeably lifted these past couple of weeks and I feel buoyed by the possibility that I might be starting to feel better about everything. However, the cloud is always there, just on the periphery, waiting for me to hesitate and then suck me back in. I have felt the pull these past few days, and all I can say is that after a while I feel exhausted by the constant effort of keeping that cloud at bay.
I feel as though I’m stuck in knee-deep mud, every movement (physical and mental) is a struggle. I try to focus on work, but even that feels beyond me sometimes. It’s hard to even really make myself care enough to get traction there. I simply can’t understand it, I have always been very conscientious when it comes to study and work, this is so unlike me!
Without even realising it I have fallen back into the mindset of the character I described yesterday. The person who is always waiting for the next thing that will bring them happiness (or should that be “distraction”) the person who is never happy with their life as it is today.
So let’s have a think about today. Today is a special day, today is the summer (if you are in the southern hemisphere) solstice, which also happens to coincide with a full lunar eclipse. This is a very rare event (in Australia we may be able to catch a glimpse of the tail end of the eclipse at around sunset). The last time a lunar eclipse fell on the solstice was in 1638. http://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2010/17dec_solsticeeclipse/
Astrologically speaking, it is also very significant, apparently. I don’t really get the whole astrology thing, I read my horoscope but often cannot make heads nor tails of it all. What I do know is that when I read a description about Cancerians I often find myself thinking it is spot on. Emotional? YES. Defensive? You betchya! But then, that could be anyone, really.
What I have picked up from my readings on the subject is that I should expect the unexpected and I should “let go” of anything that I have been holding on to and that I can see might prevent me from getting where I need/want to be in the coming year. So, today Im going to try to set myself an example for the coming year and start my new years resolutions early (whilst setting the bar at a realistic height). Today, I am going to be that little bit more productive at work than I have been of late, and I am not going to spend random moments (or hours) obsessing over Mr X, the loss of the dream of my future with Mr X, the inadequacies of every man who has crossed my path since Mr X, or how things might have been different with Mr X had I not been so emotional and defensive. Today I am going to find a way to feel good about where I am in my life at the moment, what I do on a daily basis, I’m going to enjoy my work, I’m going to hug my dogs when I get home.
Today, I am going to try to find happiness in my life as it is now.