Ah Valentine’s day, its been so long since I have had any reason to celebrate it that I had all but forgotten it exists. That is, until I read someone else’s blog today! I know, I know, V-day doesn’t really mean anything, it’s just a commercial gimmick etc, etc [insert eyeroll here]. Those who are single are normally the ones who crow the loudest re: the aforementioned sentiments, but conversely, those who are single are also the ones who wish the most for someone to come into their life who might be inclined to present them with terrible chocolate encased in a heart-shaped box, or perhaps something a little less terrible in a small blue box with a white ribbon (or any other small box really).
With just over 2 weeks to the big day I would normally by now be starting to wallow in self-pity and glaring darkly at every lovey-dovey couple I see walking down the street whilst internally poo-poohing any PDA (“public displays of affection”) and muttering under my breath something about “getting a room”. But this year, I feel strangely nonchalant about the whole affair.
That said, I have been revisiting my past this week (mostly because I was forced to contact my ex, M, and also one cannot help but ponder their own circumstances when they watch their loved ones celebrate one of the biggest days of their life) and this has got me to wondering if things were really as bad as I thought, and should I have not let that one go? Then I remind myself that we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time and, at the time, I was not ready to start having children. I also know that if I should ever suggest to him that we get back together (which I wont), even if he were to agree (which I doubt), I know that the ‘children’ card would be the first one to be laid straight back on that table and I know that I’m still not ready.
Still, no matter how happy I am at this point in my life, I still can’t keep some of the negative thoughts from slipping in and pondering (in a somewhat impatient tone) if I am ever going to meet that special person that I love as much as I did Mr X, and who will treat me as well as M. Someone who I can see a future with and want to have children with, someone who I don’t begrudge spending time with, but rather look forward to seeing at the end of every day. Someone who wont sit back and wait for 8 years for me to start nagging them before they bother to propose, someone who will actually want to marry me before I’m too old to wear a Collette Dinnigan wedding dress.
No, at the moment I really don’t seem to care too much about V-Day, which is a good thing but in light of the above I must remember not to get too far ahead of myself, there is, after all still 2 weeks to go, and I am perhaps a little more fragile, and a little more panicked about my whole situation than I first realised… after all , I am going to be 33 this year and time would appear to be running out.
On that note, you will forgive me if I refrain from posting any further about V-day or related subject matter, for the time being.
Don’t misunderstand me, I am not unhappy at this time, in this moment. The future is uncertain and it will be what it will be, but I still hope that it holds for me the fulfilment of some of the more significant dreams I have for myself.