I have been stuck for words for days now.
Not only that, I evidently downloaded one too many episodes of Gossip Girl to my laptop, which is now struggling to cope with basic functions (like opening a blog) for lack of space on the hard drive.
And then I discovered, it takes a rather long time to clean up a hard drive that has been largely left unattended for approximately 4 years. To be a little more precise, it took a good 8 hours of my Sunday to compress or delete unwanted files and progams.
Hell, I should probably just be grateful that my 6 year old laptop is still functional at all! But I have no immediate plans to upgrade it (I have a new kitchen to save for, after all), at least not for another 4 months or so.
In any case, my lack of properly functioning computer coupled with an equally lacking functional brain has meant that writing a single post in a week has proven to be far beyond my mere abilities.
But even if I could have written, I have not idea what I would have written. Do people not tire of my constant whining about how Mr X broke my heart- on average- about once every 1.3 months during the 1 year to 18 months we were supposedly seeing each other? Do they not become irritated with my unwavering adoration for a person who, amongst my friends, is generally considered to be a bit of a womanising jerk? I mean, how is it that you can be head over heels in love with someone that, if you are truly honest with yourself, you struggle to even like as a person about 90% of the time? A person who, through the experience of how they have treated you, you can only conclude is -amongst other things- controlling, selfish and cowardly?
I have to shake my head in wonder as to why I, time and again, allow this person to waltz into my life whenever he wishes and take what he wants, and then walk right back out when he’s done, without a single care or thought for how is actions may affect me.
Up until now, my excuse has simply been that I love him and that I simply cannot say no to him, I cannot bear to upset him.
Until, that is, I spoke with my friend Fi, who very bluntly reminded me that what I loved so dearly was not Mr X, but the idea of who I thought he could be. I was in love with the daydream that I had of us ending up together, having children together.
The heartbreak I feel is perhaps not for the loss of him (although, there is grave disappointment in his carelessness in handling badly, a very emotional and hurtful situation, and absence of any apology for it, and really, absence of any acknowledgement of the situation, or of me, at all) but rather the loss of the dream. It is also for the realisation that I am in fact on my own, and he is off playing happy families with someone else. Being on my own is not so terrible and I enjoy the freedom it provides me, but what I fear is the seemingly lack of prospect for love, ever again.
What causes me to seethe internally is that I, being the person who loved him and sacrificed so much for him, am the one abandoned, I am the one standing alone, I am the one incapable of loving or accepting love from anyone else. Yet he, he who toyed with me knowing fully well how I felt, he who quite deliberately deceived me, in what seems like no time at all, and with seemingly no repercussions, gets to settle down happily with his new family.
That to me, just seems grossly unfair.
[NB: this is probably the point where you all throw your hands in the air in frustration and tell me that “life isnt fair, deal with it!!”]
So, I will deal with it. Just like my computer’s hard drive, I have left my emotions unattended to for too long. I have filled my heart and my head with him until there is no “space” left for anyone new. I need to compress those old feelings. I need to delete thoughts that are destructive to my future.
So, I will start again by writing about something different tomorrow.