My Doctorate was officially conferred earlier last week and I completely forgot.
Strange how the importance of certain things diminishes with time. A couple of months ago I was incredulous that it was going to take them so long to deal with it, and now they have and I didn’t even notice.
It was rather special to get a phonecall from the Vice Chancellor to personally congratulate me on the achievement.
Unfortunately, no amount of pride or relief is going to detract from the fact that I’m going to look like a Twat in the Hat, on stage, in front of everyone to see, in about 6 hours. I just pray that I dont trip and lose my way back to my seat as I did at my first Graduation.
As for the importance of things diminishing with time, I must admit to experiencing the same effect in relation to my personal life. The fact that I have not seen nor heard from Mr X since I expressed disappointment and hurt at his apparent lack of concern for how his news would impact our ‘friendship’, has been a blessing in disguise. I have not performed my usual backflip and reneged on my position, apologising profusely for “upsetting” him or making him feel uncomfortable, despite the fact that I have been tempted to a number of times in the past month or so. The reason being that I know while he thinks I am upset with him, he will avoid me like the plague. The moment I apologise, I have no way of keeping him at bay. The last time I actually asked him not to contact me, so that I could just work through what I needed to work through, I seemed to be contacted by him more than I had in a year. I just needed to not have contact with him so that I would have at least some chance of getting over him.
And I think I am over it, or at least well on my way. I still maintain that I am happy, I no longer burst into tears at the thought of where he is at with his life and his new partner. Though I still have days when I feel a bit down about it.
I have even met someone who I actually have a bit of a crush on, which was a wonderful feeling. But as luck would have it, I have not seen this man for 2 weeks, as he has been unexpectedly detained in a remote location. Subsequently, I have found myself these past couple of days, questioning whether I really had feelings for him at all, as the thoughts of Mr X creep back in. And even if I do find myself thinking about Mr X, any sadness I feel is for the loss of the friendship that I know I am not yet ready to rekindle (if ever), and, as I have said before, the loss of the dream of him.
What astounds me the most is that I am apparently smart enough to be called Dr, yet I still appear to have the emotional maturity of…well…someone a lot younger than one would expect to be befitting of such a title.
I continue to hope that when the Crush returns to town and I see him again, it will bring back the butterflies. I’m not sure I’m ready to go back to being “butterfly deficient” just yet, I want to enjoy the feeling a little longer, even if the whole thing goes nowhere.
However, based on the number of emails, text messages and phonecalls, it would appear that this might indeed go somewhere, at least in the short term, provided I can keep at bay, the dreams I once had, and any thoughts of what could have been…