I’m not sure when this happened, but it would seem all of a sudden, that I have a social life. Suddenly, I find that almost every day and every evening is filled with some kind of social activity or other. OR at least, if my time is not filled with social functions, it is occupied by training (which, let’s face it, is deemed “social” time anyway). Up until fairly recently, I would have claimed that I didn’t have enough friends to occupy so much of my time. However, I now realise that wasn’t true. I have, and have always had, plenty of friends and I will admit I’m struggling to keep up though it’s a happy struggle to have.
BUT, no matter how busy I get, I always have time for those most important to me. So yes, my friends are a priority, my family and my dogs are a priority…and the current man whom I have a bit of a soft spot for, is also a priority. Yet, after another weekend of last minute cancellations and tardiness with phone operation, I was beginning to think that the feeling was not mutual.
Over the past two weeks the anger and humiliation from the past 3 years has slowly but surely making it’s way back to the surface, with all of my big red buttons being firmly (even if unintentionally) pushed. My logical brain has recognised this resurfacing as a protection mechanism, to ensure that I do not slip down the same slippery slope, but the other part of me, the loving part, was keen to place a steady hand on logical brain’s shoulder and just remind it to calm down and chill a bit. No point jumping to all of the [potentially] wrong conclusions before we have all the facts, right?
So, this Monday just gone, I took a different approach. Neither offensive or defensive, just…neutral.
Once again the weekend plans had, at best, been tentative, so rather than getting on my high horse I thought I would just go with the flow and see what happened.
Instead of getting annoyed (well…at least waiting until I wasn’t annoyed any more), and snappily reeling off the list of things he did wrong over the weekend, I completely ignored the situation… buuut I might not have been quite so eager to rush to his side after work on Monday, either.
Though I had an empty seat next to me on the plane in the morning, I did not invite him to come and join me.
I went running, alone, after work.
And I waited for him to call me.
And, once again, I found myself pleasantly surprised (I am beginning to love surprises!)
He did call me, and after reeling off the saga-type story of his weekend, he concluded two things:
a) That in future he would call me at the moment he becomes aware he may not be able to follow through with whatever plans we had made (rather than sending a text far too late in the evening or far too early the following morning), BUT
b) He has no intention of cancelling again.
Good outcome? Perhaps.
There is still a rather large elephant in the room: The revelation that he already has an adult-aged daughter (having had married quite young himself), and that he has no inclination to have any more.
Is this a deal breaker?
A few months ago, in the wake of the news of Mr X and his new family-to-be (and reminders of other painful memories this generated) I would have said, without a doubt, yes.
But now I’m not so sure.
For instance, I now live across the road from a primary school. I have been home a few afternoons to see the stream of mothers come and collect their children when the bell rang, and rather than be moved by the whole scene, it rather depressed me. The thought that one day that could be me quite literally made me feel …icky.
But on the other hand, I like the idea of a baby.
The question is, is that enough to warrant having one?
Whilst lamenting the news of Mr X a few months ago, I was in despair at the realisation that I may never meet anyone whom I feel this way about again. I may never meet anyone else who I would look forward to starting a family with.
A very wise friend then stated, rather bluntly, but correctly: “Chances are you will. But if you don’t, or, if it’s too late by the time you do, you can take comfort in the knowledge that you will have one amazing shoe collection and can be ‘Cool Aunty S’ to all of your friends’ children!”.
So, do I:
Allow things to develop now with this man who I know does not want [more] children, running the risk that I may ultimately decide I do want children and winding up heartbroken and spending another 3+ years getting over it before potentially meeting someone else;
Stay with this man and then realising that I am happy to live without children and instead being ‘Cool Aunty S’;
Break it off now, and still not meet anyone else, thus becoming ‘Single Cool Aunty S’;
Or, break it off now, meet someone who will provide me with the option of having children when/if I’m ready, and going on to live happily ever after.
Problem is, I’ve come a long way and I’m not sure I can go back to believing in fairytales again. Not only that, but the lessons I have been learning of late from this man seem to be teaching me to stop trying to control everything and…relax!
So my plan is this. Sit him down and let him know how I feel about this (i.e. I don’t know how I feel about this), and wait to see what his position is on the entire scenario before tying myself up in a knot over it.
Because if I have learned one thing from the past 3 years it is that in a relationship (and yes I do realise the use of that word is a bit of a stretch at this early stage) there are two people. No matter how well you think you know the other person, they can always surprise you. You can agonise for weeks, months, years over the details before arriving at what you think is the best answer for both people.
However, if you don’t actually communicate honestly with the other person about your concerns, then ultimately, any answer is going to feel wrong after you find yourself lying in the bed you’ve made.
Thus, I’m going to take my own advice and just relax, enjoy his company, and see how things develop.
Who knows, it may all fizzle out long before we even have to deal with the children/no-children issue…