Some days I can’t help but think that I am bitter and twisted beyond repair.
I must be, if I can allow a little green monster get the better of me.
I noticed a lovely picture of my ex fiancé and his new partner on FB yesterday. It’s a lovely photo.
Let’s be clear, though I loved my ex very much, since the day we decided to go our separate ways I have never looked back and thought that it might have been a mistake to break up. I have never wanted to go back, regardless of the fact that we are still good friends (the only ex I can still call a friend) and I have a very soft spot for him.
He and his lovely, lovely lady, K, are so well suited to each other, I can’t help but think how could we have ever thought that I was ever right for him?
So why then, does a gorgeous photo of them looking like they are having the time of their lives, and a simple comment from another friend of “wedding bells” plunge me into turmoil?
Turmoil because I know I do not want to be with him, I know he was not right for me. Turmoil because on the one hand I am relieved and truly happy that he has found someone that he fits so well with, yet I am jealous, envious of their bliss.
This is not how it’s supposed to be. I’m supposed to be a better person than this!
I am disappointed in myself.
While I am still blundering through the awkward first steps of a new relationship, navigating my way around big issues that should never even have to be considered until way down the track, constantly tripping on roots crisscrossing my path- which have me debating if this even is the right path- it seems everyone around me is finding their path with seamless grace an ease.
I know that tomorrow I will wake up and will probably feel different about all of this again, such is my fickle nature.
But just for once, I would like to really know what the right thing to do is, and just do it, without hesitation.
Just for once, I wish life were a little bit less of a struggle.
It is what it is. The battles I face today will [hopefully] make me wiser and more prepared tomorrow. But let’s be honest, that concept is a little misleading, isn’t it?
I mean, everyone knows that tomorrow never comes!