Battles fought today…

Some days I can’t help but think that I am bitter and twisted beyond repair.

I must be, if I can allow a little green monster get the better of me.

I noticed a lovely picture of my ex fiancé and his new partner on FB yesterday. It’s a lovely photo.

Let’s be clear, though I loved my ex very much, since the day we decided to go our separate ways I have never looked back and thought that it might have been a mistake to break up. I have never wanted to go back, regardless of the fact that we are still good friends (the only ex I can still call a friend) and I have a very soft spot for him.

He and his lovely, lovely lady, K, are so well suited to each other, I can’t help but think how could we have ever thought that I was ever right for him?

So why then, does a gorgeous photo of them looking like they are having the time of their lives, and a simple comment from another friend of “wedding bells” plunge me into turmoil?

Turmoil because I know I do not want to be with him, I know he was not right for me. Turmoil because on the one hand I am relieved and truly happy that he has found someone that he fits so well with, yet I am jealous, envious of their bliss.

This is not how it’s supposed to be. I’m supposed to be a better person than this!

I am disappointed in myself.

While I am still blundering through the awkward first steps of a new relationship, navigating my way around big issues that should never even have to be considered until way down the track, constantly tripping on roots crisscrossing my path- which have me debating if this even is the right path- it seems everyone around me is finding their path with seamless grace an ease.

I know that tomorrow I will wake up and will probably feel different about all of this again, such is my fickle nature.

But just for once, I would like to really know what the right thing to do is, and just do it, without hesitation.

Just for once, I wish life were a little bit less of a struggle.

I know.

It is what it is. The battles I face today will [hopefully] make me wiser and more prepared tomorrow. But let’s be honest, that concept is a little misleading, isn’t it?

I mean, everyone knows that tomorrow never comes!


One thought on “Battles fought today…

  1. Wow. This post really resonated with me… and I’m sure I don’t have to explain why. I’ve been fortunate enough not to see my ex with someone else, but I can imagine how it can hurt and throw you through a loop. It doesn’t mean you want to be with him again. And it doesn’t mean you are weak. What it means is that you are human, and that you cared about this person. I’m finding, personally, that the love you have for someone never fully goes away. A little part of you may always love that person. Maybe not enough to be with them, but enough to still feel the pain of things like this. You shouldn’t be embarassed – we’ve all felt this. As long as your actions don’t portray your very worst thoughts, I think you are fine. And you’ve got me thinking now… and preparing myself… for how I will handle this moment with my ex. It’s going to be hard. But it’s absolutely no reflection on you.

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