I read an interesting post recently, which really made me think. It was about the power of choice. More importantly (to me anyway) It was about validation of choice.
I have been focussing more on other people’s blogs of late, and less on my own. I wanted to explore further what others were experiencing, and how they were coping. It seems I have recently developed a need to find comfort in numbers in the hope that it would make me feel slightly less clueless, powerless and… spineless.
The blog post was brief, simply stating that we aren’t weak because we make compromises for love, but rather that [sometimes] a compromise is in fact a choice. A choice to follow One’s heart instead of an alternate path.
I guess it’s similar to the concept that my friends like to repeat to me often (and let me tell you, I need to have it repeated often), that:
We make the best decisions we can with the information available at the time.
This concept used to provide me with comfort, and in a way it still does, but not as much as it should, I suspect.
What about when, after making these seemingly “right” decisions- whcih ultimately resulted in years of heartache, which in turn required equal if not more years to recover from- you get to a point where you feel incapable of making any decision at all?
What happens when you become the deer frozen in the headlights?
When you believe that no path available to you will provide you with what you need?
What happens when you realise that you aren’t necessarily happy with the way things are, but the only alternative you can think of also does not provide you with the solution you seek?
Sure, you could say that by not taking an alternate path you are simply choosing to stay where you are. But what if you aren’t really choosing? What if its simply fear and indecision which paralyses you in to staying where you are? What if you dont want any of the options presented to you? What if where you end up isn’t so much a choice but rather a place you end up by default?
Then it shouldn’t matter, right? It shouldn’t matter whether you go left or right because even if its not going to take you where you want to go, it at least, it has the potential to be somewhere better than here. It might present you with yet another opportunity to go where you want to go, that might not have been presented to you otherwise, if you had just stayed standing at the junction looking confuzzled.
But what if it doesn’t?
I find myself at that dreaded junction again with a somewhat heavy heart and feeling a little defeated by the futility of my so-called “power of choice”.
But I think what may be required, is a change of focus. If I can’t make a choice about one aspect of my life, perhaps I need to shift my attention to another part of my life and make a choice about that.
Seemingly unrelated changes might lead to consequences I had not anticipated.
So, I’m going to spend a little more time focussing on yoga. I’m going to speak to my yoga teacher about learning to mediate. I’m going to learn how to live in the now. I’m going to learn how to stop freaking myself out with my fear of the future and the “what-if’s”.
I’m going to learn to live rather than just exist while waiting for some miraculous life-altering change that may never come, or at least, not in the form I envisaged.
This is me, choosing to acknowledge the joy in my life today, in this moment, without future demons overshadowing them: My preferring to suffer a little longer with a full bladder rather than go outside so she could stay close to me, lean on my leg for a pat and lie on my bathmat while I showered. The friend who is excited about his new job. The anticipation of a yoga class this evening. The barista singing and dancing while making my coffee. My new green scarf.
These are just a few of the things that brought me joy this morning, before I have even finished my coffee.