Ok, so I have harped on and on about the flaws of The Crush the disappearing act he is want to engage in from time to time, the no children issue, his seemingly unquenchable desire to move interstate, is apparent inability to introduce me to his friends and only daughter, his pre-occupation with work.
All of this has led many of my friends to question what is left to like about this man, and why am I not dumping his a**??
Well, there are many good qualities about him, otherwise I wouldn’t be so hesitant to wave him goodbye and ride off into the sunset on a date with the cute 27 year old.
Let me enlighten you:
- He is driven and motivated. I am never going to have to have a full-blown argument with him in order to get him off the couch or away from the playstation to walk the dogs with me with the housework.
- He has a strong sense of responsibility.
- He has laughing eyes.
- When I have his attention, I have his full attention.
- He’s incredibly smart.
- He can be very sensitive – I get to see a side of him that noone else does.
- He is supportive and encouraging.
- He seems to think I’m going to be the CEO one day (in my book, few compliments could top this one).
- Ok, and he’s easy on the eye, to me anyway.
- He likes my dogs, even though he pretends not to.
- He thinks I’m beautiful and tells me so, even when I am in the midst of the flu with puffy eyes, blotchy skin and a red nose.
- He makes me laugh.
- He’s strong.
- He’s confident – which I understand most people don’t normally think is such a good thing because confidence can be confused with arrogance, but for some reason, I find it incredibly attractive.
- He’s loyal – though I may not see him as much as I would like, I’m confident he is not seeing anyone else.
- He likes helping people – the man’s business is saving lives, how could that possibly be a bad thing?
- He can cook (though I have yet to experience this first hand)
- He was a sports therapist in a past life (and I am a [recreational] sports woman in need of regular massage!)
- He has been a policeman AND a fireman (irrelevant really but everyone knows firemen are hot- they have their own calendar for goodness sake!)
This list could be way longer but I have a day job.
I know these good things may not ultimately be enough to overcome the other problems.
I wish I could be more free-spirited and not get so attached to each person who crosses my path. I wish my sense of obligation to make people happy and not disappoint them could be directed a little more inwards.
I dont know where this sense of obligation comes from. It’s out of control.
Last night I revealed to a friend of mine that I felt like I was being pulled in too many different directions. I want to focus on yoga but I have to run, and cycle and go to the gym as well. To be good at any of these you need to be doing them a minimum of 2-3 times per week. I do have a full time job, and I’m finding myself feeling completely washed out with the effort of keeping on top of everything. Some of these things just dont seem like fun anymore. I want to do a marathon, yes, but why do I feel obligated to do it right now when really I would rather be doing something else?
I worry that if I don’t go through with the marathon next year that I will be letting people down somehow…what people? Perhaps the people whom I told I would do it.
But my friend, in her great wisdom pointed out that noone is really going to care.
And she’s right. Of course she’s right!
Maybe I care too much that they will know I didn’t go through with it, that they know I was not 100% dedicated to it. That I might not have been capable of doing it (when I know I am).
But in truth, what I really want to do is spend more time in the gym building strength, and the rest of my time doing yoga, lots of yoga.
And learn to meditate.
And wear leg warmers.
So what if doing this means I wont be able to just go and run 6-10km before or after work on any given day? So what if I only ride occassionally and cant keep up with a squad? So what if I don’t do the company sponsored corporate running events?
Wont I be a lot happier if I just focus on the things that I want to do for the fun of it? When I was speaking to The Crush after my yoga class last night, he said exactly that.
“Here’s an idea” he said “why dont you try exercising for fun [instead of putting so much pressure on yourself]?”.
And the unspoken words I knew he was thinking: “What are you trying to prove?”
What AM I trying to prove???
Maybe I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone else, but rather to myself. Though, I’m not sure what that is. That I’m good at sport? That I finish what I start? That I can do it all? That I’m superwoman?
I don’t know. All I know is, I want a rest, and I think my body is telling me I need one. This unrelenting desire to put my head down and close my eyes every moment of every day, my inability to get through the HIIT at level 12 when 6 weeks ago I was doing it at level 16, the fact that my personal trainer keeps asking me why I look so tired, and my difficulty in focussing at work, are probably all clear indicators that I need to slow down for a bit. It doesn’t have to be forever, there’s nothing to say I cant do a marathon the year after next. Who knows, a few months rest and I might be capable of training for and still achieving the marathon by the end of next year.
Or maybe the rest will help me to revaluate what is really important to me and maybe that marathon will slip further down the priority list behind other, new adventures.
Perhaps a bit of meditation will help me to find some peace in the choices I make for me.
Here’s hoping 🙂