Imaginary Obligations

Peace

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Ok, so I have harped on and on about the flaws of The Crush the disappearing act he is want to engage in from time to time,  the no children issue, his seemingly unquenchable desire to move interstate, is apparent inability to introduce me to his friends and only daughter, his pre-occupation with work.

All of this has led many of my friends to question what is left to like about this man, and why am I not dumping his a**??

Well, there are many good qualities about him, otherwise I wouldn’t be so hesitant to wave him goodbye and ride off into the sunset on a date with the cute 27 year old.

Let me enlighten you:

  • He is driven and motivated.  I am never going to have to have a full-blown argument with him in order to get him off the couch or away from the playstation to walk the dogs with me with the housework.
  • He has a strong sense of responsibility.
  • He has laughing eyes.
  • When I have his attention, I have his full attention.
  • He’s incredibly smart.
  • He can be very sensitive – I get to see a side of him that noone else does.
  • He is supportive and encouraging.
  • He seems to think I’m going to be the CEO one day (in my book, few compliments could top this one).
  • Ok, and he’s easy on the eye, to me anyway.
  • He likes my dogs, even though he pretends not to.
  • He thinks I’m beautiful and tells me so, even when I am in the midst of the flu with puffy eyes, blotchy skin and a red nose.
  • He makes me laugh.
  • He’s strong.
  • He’s confident – which I understand most people don’t normally think is such a good thing because confidence can be confused with arrogance, but for some reason, I find it incredibly attractive.
  • He’s loyal – though I may not see him as much as I would like, I’m confident he is not seeing anyone else.
  • He likes helping people – the man’s business is saving lives, how could that possibly be a bad thing?
  • He can cook (though I have yet to experience this first hand)
  • He was a sports therapist in a past life (and I am a [recreational] sports woman in need of regular massage!)
  • He has been a policeman AND a fireman (irrelevant really but everyone knows firemen are hot- they have their own calendar for goodness sake!)

This list could be way longer but I have a day job.

I know these good things may not ultimately be enough to overcome the other problems.  

I wish I could be more free-spirited and not get so attached to each person who crosses my path.  I wish my sense of obligation to make people happy and not disappoint them could be directed a little more inwards.

I dont know where this sense of obligation comes from.  It’s out of control.

Last night I revealed to a friend of mine that I felt like I was being pulled in too many different directions. I want to focus on yoga but I have to run, and cycle and go to the gym as well.  To be good at any of these you need to be doing them a minimum of 2-3 times per week.  I do have a full time job, and I’m finding myself feeling completely washed out with the effort of keeping on top of everything.  Some of these things just dont seem like fun anymore.  I want to do a marathon, yes, but why do I feel obligated to do it right now when really I would rather be doing something else?

I worry that if I don’t go through with the marathon next year that I will be letting people down somehow…what people? Perhaps the people whom I told I would do it. 

But my friend, in her great wisdom pointed out that noone is really going to care.

And she’s right. Of course she’s right! 

Maybe I care too much that they will know I didn’t go through with it, that they know I was not 100% dedicated to it.  That I might not have been capable of doing it (when I know I am).

But in truth, what I really want to do is spend more time in the gym building strength, and the rest of my time doing yoga, lots of yoga.

And  learn to meditate.

And wear leg warmers.

So what if doing this means I wont be able to just go and run 6-10km before or after work on any given day? So what if I only ride occassionally and cant keep up with a squad? So what if I don’t do the company sponsored corporate running events?

Wont I be a lot happier if I just focus on the things that I want to do for the fun of it? When I was speaking to The Crush after my yoga class last night, he said exactly that. 

“Here’s an idea” he said “why dont you try exercising for fun [instead of putting so much pressure on yourself]?”.

And the unspoken words I knew he was thinking: “What are you trying to prove?”

What AM I trying to prove???

Maybe I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone else, but rather to myself.  Though, I’m not sure what that is.  That I’m good at sport? That I finish what I start? That I can do it all? That I’m superwoman?

I don’t know.  All I know is, I want a rest, and I think my body is telling me I need one. This unrelenting desire to put my head down and close my eyes every moment of every day, my inability to get through the HIIT at level 12 when 6 weeks ago I was doing it at level 16, the fact that my personal trainer keeps asking me why I look so tired, and my difficulty in focussing at work, are probably all clear indicators that I need to slow down for a bit.  It doesn’t have to be forever, there’s nothing to say I cant do a marathon the year after next.  Who knows, a few months rest and I might be capable of training for and still achieving the marathon by the end of next year.

Or maybe the rest will help me to revaluate what is really important to me and maybe that marathon will slip further down the priority list behind other, new adventures.

Perhaps a bit of meditation will help me to find some peace in the choices I make for me.

Here’s hoping 🙂

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5 thoughts on “Imaginary Obligations

  1. I think you should focus on what you want rather than trying to balance everything. Thats one of my biggest flaws and I have no solution for ya.. but I def say focus on yoga if that is what you want to do. If you decide to run the marathon… good luck!

  2. when a guy doesn’t introduce you to his family or friends, there is a problem there…he’s dating other girls….or is married…or is keeping you on the hook for whatever reason while having a beautiful life with you when he’s actually in front of you… How would I know? I’ve done it a million times myself… tell a girl I’m working while in realtiy, I’m dating or enjoying different women… do I introduce them to my friends? no….why have to include them in my lie? Why complicate things by doing it? Take my advice…demand to meet everyone…you may lose him in the process, but if he doesn’t bend to this request, I promise you he wasn’t really available t begin with…

    T.

    • Hey T
      Thanks for reading, and for the male insight. Brutal and honest, just what I need!
      The thing is, he’s a 40-something who has a 20-something daughter, who has children of her own.
      I am a 32 year old who has never been married and never had children and I’m undecided as to whether I really want children of my own.
      He’s been hurt before – is it not possible that the reason he’s slow to include me in his life is because due to the uncertainty around…well…everything, he’s a little scared himself?
      Then again you could be right and maybe I’m a pushover, but I think I’d rather be a pushover than be cynical.
      However, I will take your advice, and I will indeed talk to him about it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, as they say!
      🙂

  3. Needless to say, I’m all about your success….there’s nothing more amazing than to be in love and happy…I look forward to finding a renewed love myself… I don’t think you’re a pushover kinda girl… you sound amazing personally… as for being hurt and scared? I don’t think that a 40 year old is able to be both at once… i’ve been hurt…my heart left on the ground….it has only energized me… i’ve always been driven in the past….however now that I’ve experienced that pain? I plan on making it the reason to find something more amazing than that relationship could have ever been… I am highly selective…and of course i always want “my” way all the time..so I’m learning to temper that activity before i really start the search… I’ll be interested in learning more about you….

    T.

  4. Having taken a peek at your blog and resisting the urge to “like” or comment on every post that I viewed, I’m getting the clear impression that you have a very unique level of energy and positivity!
    As for me- well I chickened out on ‘the talk’- it will now have to wait another week. Not a pushover? Hmmm I’m not so sure, but the upside to that it will probably inpsire more writing and in turn, I hope an interesting read throughout the week for those who are so inclined… 🙂

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