There were many times over the weekend when I attempted to write a post, but I would wind up scrapping it. Nothing flowed, it all sounded whiney and basically I was feeling a little sorry for myself. I apologise in advance, but I have a feeling, this post might suffer from the same flaws.
I turned 33 on Friday. That alone was not the reason for my being a little down in the dumps, but when my ex fiancé sent me a birthday message which advised that I’m “almost at the apex of the downhill run to 40”, I did start to realise just how close the magic number of “35” it is. Mind you, he’s never going to see 40 again so he should know! 😉
However, it is a concern when your ex fiancé is telling you you need to “get out more” and he specifies that he “doesn’t mean on the fitness circuit”. I’m not sure what he knows or how he knows it but I’m not so sure I like him knowing what he thinks he knows.
The run up to my birthday was going well. The Crush was doing his best to raise my levels of excitement by telling me he had plenty of surprises in store for me. Truth be told, I didn’t need any encouragement to be excited, I was simply looking forward to spending 3 whole days together- the most we would have seen each other since…well, since we started seeing each other!
Only, by Wednesday afternoon it was clear that he was not going to make it back in time for my birthday because he had to work. However, there was still a chance he would be back for Friday night. So I kept the evening clear and decided to go to work on the Friday instead of taking my RDO.
Only he didn’t make it back, and I was left sitting on my couch on Friday night with a bowl of soup I defrosted from the freezer, and a television remote.
It wasn’t his fault, I’m sure he would rather have not been working, but there was… a niggle.
He said he would see me Monday but somehow that didn’t work out either and so the niggle is becoming more… niggly.
So I have to wonder, is there some higher power doing their best to give me the message that this man is not for me- by keeping us apart? Is this the equivalent to some God giving me a cosmic slap in the face and growling in frustration for me to “wake up!”?
For the past three weeks I have had my friends gently suggesting that perhaps he’s married or seeing someone else because they have noticed that he never joins me for, well…anything. When I reluctantly revealed that in fact we have only seen each other on a weekend 3 times in 5 months – they all gaped at me in disbelief.
It sounds bad, it looks bad, I know this, but I do believe him when he says he’s not seeing anyone else.
However, I admit I have doubts as to whether he is committed enough to seeing me.
Then I feel guilty because I know this is one of the reasons his relationships have always failed, and I feel like I’m failing him by not being more patient.
But I also know that relationships are about compromise and so far it seems that I’m the only one who has compromised.
This whole situation is just exhausting, most of the time I just want to curl up, pull the covers over my head, and sleep. At least in my dreams my life can be far more emotionally fulfilling.
Hmmmm….you know things aren’t great if you have to resort to daydreams to feel ok about things!
I started this blog a year ago. It started as a training blog, I was hoping it would be funny and entertaining. I wanted it to be a distraction from everything that was really bothering me but it didn’t take long for me to start using this blog as a means to get things off my chest and work through stuff.
There’s no doubt about it, with regard to Mr X I think I have made quite a bit of progress in the past year. Whilst I still feel angry sometimes, the pain is noticeably diminished.
Part of me does wonder though, have I just jumped from one boiling pot into another…?