Big Surprise: The Crush, Crushes

Serene is not feeling so serene today.

Serenity has been downgraded.

By quite a bit.

There is a reason, and those of you who have been reading lately might surmise that this has something to do with The Crush – and you would be right.

Friday afternoon I get a text message from him saying he will be busy for “August”.

And indeed he is.  When he explained his schedule to me on Saturday I was feeling positively dizzy attempting to keep up.  With a number of courses and conferences he will have little time for frivolity. 

That translates to zero time for me. Apparently.

I knew from the message on Friday that it marked the beginning of the end.  I could tell in his tone on Saturday morning that he was officially beginning his retreat. Evacuation sirens were beginning to sound in my head, lights were flashing behind my eyelids and I was frozen in my place, my throat constricting, my thoughts stalled unable to make a move, not feeling sure of what the next move should be. Or perhaps more accurately, knowing what the next move should be but refusing to accept it.

By Sunday lunchtime I had a text message blinking at me “…feel crap…not fair to you…you cant wait for me…my work load is too full…you need to decide what you want to do

And there it was.  The artful ditch.  Make all the arguments to suggest that it’s not working out, and then handball the final yes or no decision.  Make it my choice. 

Nice.  Not to mention, a little condescending. 

My response went through about 5 iterations, sad, angry, resentful, pitiful, before I finally settled on resigned and (I hope) gracious, with a liberal peppering of self-deprecating humour so that he wouldn’t feel so bad.

Though admittedly I was, merely 2 hours later, fuming that he had dumped me via SMS and did not follow up with the promised phonecall later in the day to talk through it and/or see that I was ok.

I was also wishing fervently that I had refrained from inlcuding the “xx” at the end of my response. Why? Why do I always do that?!!

By this morning I was morose, possibly due to lack of sleep after having sat, gaping,  horrified even, through a 60 Minutes special -on how Australian men don’t think there are any good women left in this country, and are apparently therefore forced to flee to the Ukraine to find a decent wife-, in addition to being haunted by ghosts-of-boyfriends-past throughout the night, and concluding with absolute certainty by 3am that I was going to grow old alone and that no man exists who will find me worthy of fighting for, worthy of compromise, worthy of a few sacrifices in their plans or schedule to meet me in the middle.

Perhaps he wasn’t right for me, perhaps this is a good thing, after all, I haven’t exactly been the cheeriest of lovebirds these past few months.  

BUT

I did still love him, (it sounds melodramatic, but he just had the ability to switch on a light inside, something that I didn’t think anyone else would ever do again and whenever I saw him, I was done-for, every time), and it’s still painful, and despite the little pep talks I have been giving myself every hour or so, I am still a little humiliated. Particularly, as he appears to be so disgustingly chirpy today.

Whatever, I’ve “downloaded” now. 

Moving on.

I trust your weekend fared better?! 🙂

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4 thoughts on “Big Surprise: The Crush, Crushes

  1. I’m curious to know exactly what you wrote in your text. Only so I could analyze, re-analyze, throw out my thoughts and analyze yet again.
    Funny enough as I was reading your blog a thought occured in my head. I was wondering if its possible to give this guy (and as a matter of fact any guy) a test. Since he has been slowly retreating, it would be interesting to see what would happen if it was you who was retreating. If you pulled back, would he lean forward?!
    If you would have said: oh yeah thats great cause I’m busy throughout August as well, or I was planning on going on vacation this August in anycase…what would have been his reaction when suddenly the tables have turned. When youre not the one waiting for him, but he needs to wait for you, when you need your time or your space or youre just so extra busy.

    Well anyway maybe its too late to test him. But it sure seems like a thought for the next guy. I wont throw any cliches at you, since i guess we know them all by now;) But i will wish you a good week.

    Hugs xx

  2. Serene, some guys hate this stage in the break-up plan…he’s giving himself an easy way to find his path back to you if something else doesn’t work out for him….He’s hoping he could turn the tbale where you’re going to be the bad person.

    Sounds like you’re in a no-win situation….my advice? cut him to the quick… not another word other than goodbye….leave the cadaver on the table, perform the post mortem and come to the conclusion it wasn’t worth the effort to revive something which was already not wanted enough to live for in the first place… Love yourself. Give nothing more to this situation… one foot in front of the other….in the opposite direction of this guy…

    T.

  3. Thanks everyone
    Well, I managed to get some sleep last night so coping a little better today! The reality is, the timing just wasn’t right. I wanted more than he was able to give right now. In many instances I think his work demands didn’t really give him a choice to spend time with me. Ok, the whole text message thing wasnt so great, but then, we have been unsuccessful with catching up in person for weeks now, so maybe he didn’t have much choice there either.
    I’m a little tired of being angry about all of this. I’m a little tired about being angry at Ex’s in general!
    The time that I got to spend with him was lovely and it was special. I’m sure in a couple of hours I will be struggling to follow my own advice but I’m really trying not to blame him, or be bitter about it. It was what it was, and when it was good, it was good enough to make me want more.
    And so I shall have more but perhaps not with him 🙂
    xo

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