Serene has regained her serenity (for the moment!)
Sleep has helped. So has discussion, reflection and the acknowledgement that it is human nature to find a subject of blame when we are hurting. It’s natural to look for a reason why we are hurting so that we can avoid that same hurt in the future. Sometimes though, there isn’t any one person or thing to blame. Sometimes things just are what they are. Right now I’m trying to convince myself that if something causes me pain, it was meant to, to get my attention.
I’m not sure if this lesson was supposed to be about me trying to identify specific things that were wrong with the relationship, about how I’m too eager to compromise, about how I expect too much. I think perhaps this most recent lesson was more about teaching me to just accept the circumstances. With Mr X I blamed him almost entirely for that whole train-wreck of a relationship. I held him responsible for my pain. Sometimes his behaviour was less than desirable, yes, but then so was mine at times when it came to M. With M I was the weak one. I broke it off early only to be pulled back in by him because I didn’t want to be the cause of his discomfort.
Now, with The Crush I have been angry with him for not making the time for me, but really- though some may argue otherwise- I know that he didn’t really have much of a choice with regard to recent and upcoming circumstances. The situation was beyond his control, as it was mine.
Perhaps this lesson was about learning to recognise that sometimes, despite our best efforts, things just aren’t meant to come together and we just need to accept that. If things don’t come together then they probably aren’t meant to.
Yes, this lesson was about me learning the art of letting go. It is hard and I’m not going to pretend I’m completely calm about it all 100% of the time, but I know that dwelling on the what-if’s is pointless…and torturous!
If this is helping me to learn to let go, then I can also learn to let go of my ex-fiancé, Mr X and M as well. Maybe only then, will I be truly confident enough to stand my ground and settle for no less than the man who will meet me half way.
Maybe then I won’t be too afraid to lean back just to see if he will lean in 😉
This is just another step in the process of me learning to be a grown up, to accept the things I cannot change- so to speak- to put me first, instead of being resentful of others putting me second.