I had a whole other post lined up for today, but as it happened I had saved it in my folder on the work server, and I wasn’t at work today. Well, I was, but I wasn’t at my office. I had to spend the day at my old workplace, reviewing documents for a potential upcoming matter. My old workplace is the service provider for services that I used to provide, i.e. I am now the client.
I have at times over the past year, wondered if I had made the right move. Sure, I’ve been happy enough in my new job, in fact, I enjoy it very much, but I have had the odd “what if…?” moment. And in light of the fact that the company I now work for may get taken over, I have had increasing thoughts about job security vs. job enjoyment!
I think, after the first 10 mins back on my old premises, it’s safe to say, that I don’t regret the move at all. Within 5 mins I was feeling the weight of depression that used to engulf me when I walked through those doors every moment, with the underlying hum of anxiety that was ever-present. No, though I may be singing a different tune in a few months time if my current role becomes obsolete, I am confident I made the right decision.
I have been thinking a lot about my decisions lately. Reminiscing about past relationships and friendships.
I was talking to one of my ex-colleagues today, we got to talking about markets and money and superannuation and he jokingly said “marry rich!”. At least I think he was joking, as he himself did just that, though I like to believe the money wasn’t the deciding factor!
My response was “The rest of my life is a long time to spend with someone just because they have money” and it’s true, I intend to live for a long time yet and there have been people that I loved who I could not stay with longer than a few years. My ex -fiance is one of them. I love him dearly still, but I am not one bit sorry that I am not married to him right now. Bless him. So, truth be told, I will have to love someone an awful lot to spend the rest of my life with them.
And I have met that someone. I have in fact, met a couple of such someones. The first, was Mr X, but as we all know, for many other reasons, that was not to be.
The second, I have been surprised to realise over the past few months, was M.
I have made no secret of the fact that I have missed M dearly. We just clicked from our very first meeting, we were truly a great fit, but not great enough to stay together 18 months ago. We both wanted the same things, just not at the same time. I have wondered over the past 4-6 months or so, “what if…?”, what if we’d stayed together? Had I been selfish to stand my ground on the baby matter, had I been selfish to want more time on my own before settling into the life we both wanted? Was I wrong about needing the time to get over Mr X?
One thing I know I was wrong about- that is though I knew I loved M, I thought he couldn’t be the right fit for me if the pull of that love was not strong enough to drag Mr X out of my heart.
Time on my own, and some time with other men, has given me perspective on that. I met M merely a couple of weeks after Mr X broke my heart (directly) for the last time. The wounds were not only still raw, they were still hemorrhaging!
In the past couple of months or so, M has slowly been making a re-appearance into my life, through text messages and email- discussing trivial things, but unprompted by me. And I, in return have been considering the almost-future we had.
It has also led me to consider what I have learned.
I have learned that love, relationships and emotions are complex with many twists and turns and are at best, unpredictable. Nothing is fixed, nothing is certain.
What is wrong can also be right;
What is impossible becomes possible;
What is black is also white, but most of the time it’s just grey.
Can you be in love with one person and heartbroken over another? Yes.
Can you want one life and yearn for another at the same time? Yes.
And lets face it, we all know that sometimes what we want and what we need are two entirely different things. As is what we ask for and what we get (or maybe that should read “what we think we ask for, and what we get).
I have made a first step, I have asked M to catch up in person, no more texting and emailing. His response was…non-committal. That could be because he is out of town and distracted. It could also mean he simply does not wish to go down that path.
And that is ok.
Because, though I might be disappointed if it is indeed the latter, though I might never again experience the relationship – and friendship – that we had, I know I can accept that what is meant to be will be. I will not regret my decision. I will NOT lament my choice and tell myself I gave up the best thing that ever happened to me.
I needed this time. I needed to achieve what I have achieved. To make a new and emotionally valuable friendship, change jobs, buy a house, discover yoga! To find a bit of peace.
To understand myself better, and what I want.
To find confidence.
To find hope.
In short: this past 18 months IS the best thing that could have happened to me, and I would not be happy now if I had stayed with M 18 months ago, most probably I would be pretending to be happy whilst privately picking at the wounds left by Mr X.
I want to share my life with someone, yes, but I am happy now.
A friend once told me this day would come- the day that I would be thankful for all the pain- because of what it will teach me. Yet, merely days ago I was doubting it would happen, then poof! enlightenment, from the most mundane of tasks- reviewing documents in a dark, dingy, windowless room!
I know what I want now, and I have been brave enough to whisper it the darkness in the absence of company, and then to The Crush (even though I knew it would result in him saying “I cant give you that”), and then to my friends.
My wounds are healing over and though part of me will always love Mr X, and that part may also at times experience the anguish of what transpired, I can now envision a happy future for myself without him..
…and even without M too, if that is what is destined, because I am not the same person that I was when we broke up: needy, desperate, always placing my happiness in someone else’s hands.
Quite frankly, I think the Serene of today is only now, worthy of the great love that she seeks.
I like the Serene of today a whole lot more than the Serene of 2 years ago, and just as well too, because I don’t think we’ll be seeing her again.