Last night I had a dream about The Amazing Race. I’m new to this show. In fact, I’m new to most TV shows because – and I know most people roll their eyes and think Im full of crap, but- the truth is, I DON’T actually watch that much TV! Who has time? I have a hard enough time staying on top of the news much less the most popular drama series! I’m the person who just downloaded series 1 of Madmen because I had heard people rave so much about it… I now have a full 4 seasons to get through before I catch up! Thank goodness for weekends and the fact that I have hardly a social life.
Anyway, back to the “Amazing Race”. I loved this show! Ok, so technically, I only saw 3 full episodes of this series, and this was the first series I watched, but Marcus and Armani? Gold. They came out with the best one-liners, I think they should have their own TV show.
In any case, the point is, I like this show. It finished a week or two ago and last night I had a dream about it. Sort of. We had all finished one segment of the race and in true Aussie style, those still in the race hit the pub (OK I know in the real race no-one probably has time to celebrate but hey, it’s my dream, go with it). In my dream version of TAR you could be eliminated as an individual, not necessarily as a couple (… not sure what the criteria for that was, again…its a dream, not even I get to make the rules…at least not consciously).
So, we are all at the pub, then this Mysterious Man shows up. His partner has just been eliminated (actually, it’s now sounding more like the Hunger Games… I digress). Mysterious Man (“MM”) walks in, he’s not really at all attractive, in a conventional way, but there’s something about him. I’m curious about him, and I’ve pegged him as the one to beat. I sidle up to him and offer him a drink. He looks at me (with more than a little hint of disdain) and declines. I try to engage him in conversation but again, I’m shut down. So, I move away and observe from a distance. He drinks a water, I see that he checks his watch and he leaves. A short while later I look around for MM and through the window I notice him up the street, getting onto a bus. He’s getting a head start on the next leg (not sure how he knew where to go before anyone else??) so, I follow (apparently, I don’t have a race partner either).
I get on the bus and he spots me. I pretend not to notice but he makes his way over to me and essentially, in his MM way, suggests that we team up. For some reason or other, he thinks that together, we have what it takes to get us to the finish line first.
The next leg of the race reminds me of the cross country course we used to run at school, followed by some very odd sand sifting (don’t ask, it’s too complicated to write and I guarantee it wont make sense anyway!) before having to run through what looked like Angkor Wat. Whilst running down a corridor I recognise (and have photographed) I come across a friend -who in reality has been very, very ill in recent years- he is lying there, requiring medical attention and we are the only people around. I stop to help him but MM continues on. When he realises I’m not with him he turns to see me with my friend but he doesn’t approach. He says “we need to keep moving”. I say “but [my friend] needs help- he’s sick!”. He says “if we stop, the others will pass us”.
I cant remember what I said after that. Something like “I just need a little more time”. But he turns and keeps running. He’s gone. I am helping my friend, and then medical aid arrives and I am able to keep running. I am still ahead of the others, but my partner, MM, is gone and I am alone once more, and feeling angry and frustrated that he couldn’t have given me more time.
Gosh, there are so many interpretations to this. I think right now I feel angry and frustrated by the men in my life who have been unable to make any compromises about anything, but who have expected me to just drop everything and fit myself in to every aspect of their life plan, even if it requires ignoring my own. In short, it’s “their way, or the highway”.
I was approached by another company recently. I had coffee with the person today to find out more about the job. Some international travel is required and to be honest, I kept thinking to myself, perhaps I should take it for the sole reason of having a complete change of scene?
BUT I do feel loyal to the company I work for, and I have only been with them for 17 months. Though, my future here is uncertain given the recent acquisition. In any case, there is a long way to go in finding out more from this potential new employer, if an offer is pending, it wont be coming (or at least, accepted) anytime soon.
This week a male co-worker, B, said to me “you know, I read somewhere that in this state there are about 38 women to every man. Then when you factor in the married men, men in relationships, and men who are just dipshits (which let’s face it, most of us are), the possibility of you meeting someone who’s half decent is actually pretty slim!”.
Look, I know he was trying to make a joke of it, and probably give me a compliment about the quality of person he thinks I am worthy of, but in fact, whilst his statistics may be a bit off, the gist of it all is…well… alarmingly accurate. Women DO outnumber men in this state. In my experience, the majority of men around here DO seem to think that they don’t need to make any effort because if effort is required, hell, there are plenty of women waiting in the sidelines to acquiesce to his every demand… and she’s probably younger and better looking!
Yesterday I had a chat with a co-worker. She is happily married with 2 children. She is 40 and she was telling me about 3 friends she has that are all beautiful (like her), successful, financially independent… and yet they still cannot seem to find a partner. Only now, because of their age, they are freaking out about the whole baby thing but also, they have to deal with the fact that the men they end up going out with, don’t like the fact that these women earn more than them, or they shove these ladies into the “high maintenance” box, simply because she likes nice things!!! I mean, high maintenance implies that women expect the man to provide them a certain lifestyle. So, how can we be high maintenance when we live alone and pay our own way? That makes NO SENSE!!! This co-worker also has a friend in the eastern states who divorced her husband a while ago and is looking to come back to our city. She said she had the urge to tell her friend that if she came back, be prepared to stay single!
I know I write (and whine) a lot about being single. When I first started this blog I was running from something, but now I guess, I’m running for something. I’m totally ready for the big R (“relationship”). I’m not asking for much. A mutual attraction, and an ability for the man – whoever he is- to meet me in the middle. Hopefully love blossoms.
Relationships require compromise, by both parties. I’m fed up with being dumped the moment I ask for a little compromise and understanding, despite all the compromises I have made and am willing to make in the future. Yet, you would think that I am asking for a knight in shining armour and a kings bounty, to boot!
Believe me, if anyone knows that fairy tales don’t exist, it’s me -and every other 30-40-something yo in this town.
Are you now going to tell me that love is a fallacy also? I just refuse to believe that.
However, I am truly disheartened by not only my own experiences, but those of people around me. There are so many. The sad truth is, that it is different for men. They can stuff around until they are 40-45 and then start looking for that 30-35 year-old who they think are likely to want to have children at some point in the near to mid-distant future. When I’m 40-45 that choice is taken away from me, by then I’m unlikely to have children. (Yes I know plenty of women have babies in their 40s, my mother was one of them, and I am the result- but the chances are slim). But consequently, I become unattractive to the 40 something men who are looking for baby-making-machines! Alternatively, anyone I date now is either wanting to start procreating “immediately, or else…” or they are freaked out by my age because they ASSUME I am desperate to start breeding! Why cant they just like me for me, first?
I’m not even in any kind of a massive rush now to have children. I don’t even want children unless I find the right person, and even then, who knows? That will be a decision for us to make together. Yet, given my conversation with B, even that seems to be so unlikely.
I met a man at a bar tonight. We met because though I was standing at the bar longer than he, the waiter looked over to take [our] order, I opened my mouth to speak and…Mr Cant-Wait-His-Turn started ordering OVER me. As the drinks were being poured he turned to me and said “Sorry, I pushed in”.
I replied “You and I both know you’re not really sorry”
He said “Well, I AM sorry”
In an attempt to not be a grouchy-er-bear [with a sore throat], I smiled and said “If you were really sorry, you would have directed the bartender to serve the lady next to you-who we both know- was standing here first, OR you would offer to order whatever I was about to”
He countered with “Ok, so that’s true, but I have a certain level of arrogance which precludes me from putting other people first, or paying for their drinks”
(personally I’m not sure that even makes any sense at all whatsoever, and I’m not sure what his intention was for saying that. Frankly right now, I’m too tired and too ticked off to give it any more thought. It’s 1am, I’m sober, I still have a cold and I lack a functioning voicebox)
I replied “Then sadly, your apology means nothing”, then I finally managed to get the bartender’s attention.
He turned back to the [almost] 21 year old platinum blonde wearing [almost] a dress, and handed her the bright pink vodka concoction.
Ok, so maybe I was a little harsh, but seriously, this is the type of “man” I am dealing with on a regular basis. It’s not about respect for women specifically, it’s about basic manners, and apparently the male population around here are devoid of them, including- it would seem- the men of my dreams…?