The Art of [IM]Patience

Impatiens walleriana Internationalization Deut...

Impatiens walleriana

I. Am. Impatient.

Seriously, I am my own worst enemy! Once I set my mind on something, I want it to have happened yesterday.  I have no sense of enjoyment for the journey and that feeling of anticipation.  Nope, I am a Gen X with the (somewhat unfairly) stereotyped Gen Y attitude.

Thing is, I know that sometimes moving slowly is a blessing.  Sometimes, NOT getting what you want when you want it really is the best thing. 

Example: (and it’s a biggie) About 8 months ago I was going through a majorly clucky phase.  I wanted a baby and I was panicking that I was running out of time.  Well, turns out I was running out of time- running out of time to actually WANT a baby! Turns out my clucky phase was just that- a phase.  Now, I am so grateful that all I have to think about is me and my two furry friends.  I am grateful that I have freedom.

Nevertheless, knowing all of this does not make the anticipation of something else that I have convinced myself I want, less infuriating, in this moment.

Some things I have been impatient about lately:

1. Love life -Of COURSE this was going to make the top of the list! 🙂  Yup, I have decided I want to be settled down, probably no kids, find me a man – any man- I’ll marry him! I cant wait for the day when I have someone to come home to, someone to snuggle into at night (pray that he is not a snorer!), and someone to cook for! Cooking for one is so uninspiring.

Plus, I have already got my shortlist of engagement ring designs (ok…I admit, they are all hideously expensive- but I’m willing to pay half!), wedding locations (low key) and honeymoon destinations (spectacular!), house with the white picket fence? Still working on that one…

2. Career (more on this soon)

3. Fitness – I have lost a bit of traction lately, a couple of slip ups with the diet and some travel followed by a stomach bug here and there  (planes really are giant petri dishes!) meant less working out.  Time to regroup and refocus!

4. Renovations – mostly stymied by lack of funds (#2 could assist this), but primarily impatient with my dogs who, regardless of how much I walk them, INSIST on digging up every last inch of my backyard!

5.  My strata manager – Where is he?? Has he relocated to the MOON??? No- it must be some other land mass in the galaxy because I know we have the ability to communicate with people on the moon!

6. My car- it’s been fixed now but it left me stranded over the weekend.  The upside was that at least it had the courtesy to break down in my own carport so I was not stranded on the side of the freeway somewhere.  I may however, have come dangerously close to wearing a groove in my living room tiles from pacing around so much in wait for the roadside assistance man.

7. The other parties in a legal dispute – (work matter). When are they going to see sense?!

8.  Australia Post – How long does a parcel take???  AND how many times is the post man going to throw parcels in the yard with my dogs (where they are generally destroyed before I find them)??? Similarly, how long must it take for them to review the subsequent claim?

Mmmmmmm I think that’s about it.  There are others but that would just be nitpicking.

Am I a lost cause? I’m sure that I am getting more impatient with every year that goes by…is there something wrong with me?

I am worried I have prematurely used up all of my patience in my younger years when other teenagers and twenty-somethings were blowing off steam and venting their frustrations freely.

Am I a ticking time bomb?  I feel like one of those movie bombs that speed up to a frenzy before they blow.

I have a real concern that when I die my headstone will read simply “GRRRRR”.

How does one fix this?

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The Order of Things

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I have been MIA recently, apologies for that.  I have wanted to write but I have struggled to really form the words.  Mentally and emotionally I feel like I’m in some kind of no-mans-land at the moment.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just that I’m not really sure how I feel about anything lately. 

Last month I was surprised by an unexpected “I love you”, followed by a couple of weeks of rather intense romance before reality came crashing in once more and so rudely interrupted my reverie.  I know as well as anyone that you cant change a man, but I suppose what I was secretly hoping for was that his natural state was in fact “committed to the relationship” and the “unreliable, aloof gentleman” was merely the facade he had put up as some kind of defense.  Yes, yes, lectures and I-told-you-so’s not necessary, what was I thinking?

Well, let’s see.  I was thinking that cynicism is no basis for a relationship.  I was thinking that in order to make the best possible go of it, I had to allow myself to believe that his changed behaviour was a reflection of how he really wanted things to be, what he was comitted to achieving.  I was thinking that I was at the edge of that relationship cliff where you have to decide to either step off or step out. 

[And truth be told, I dont think it was all a lie.  I think perhaps he really does want things to be a certain way, but right now he has too many other priorities.  Health, Work,  Daughter (despite the fact that she is an adult).  As much as he would like to, he is just not able to push Serene higher up the priority list.  And try as She might, Serene cannot convince herself that she is content with her pozzie at #4]

For all of my ponderings on how some of the men in my life have been closed off, incapable of opening up and thus, kyboshing any chance of an actual relationship, I think perhaps I do the same.  So, how can I really expect them to commit while I stand aside with my arms folded, waiting for some arbitrary length of time before I decide that he has adequately proven himself?

That’s the thing about love and relationships, in order for them to work both of you have to give 100%. This also means that if it doesnt work out, it’s going to burn a little- ok, a LOT.  But that’s the risk you take in order to get the potential payoff of one day finally landing in that relationship that doesn’t blow up in your face after you’ve sacrificed that last shred of dignity and exposed those soft squishy bits that you generally hide away from those who might choose to take a hefty boot (like- one of those spikey snow boots) to them.

But on the flipside, I think I am getting better at this. I dont even feel that bitter about it really.  Acceptance is a relief and I feel that I’m finding it more readily these days. 

As I said to The Crush over the weekend; he shouldn’t have to feel guilty about having other priorities that mean he is unable to give me what I want, but I should not have to feel guilty about wanting it. 

It’s just one of those crappy situations where two people who care very much about each other are simply at different places in their lives.

i.e. bad timing.

So, either I’m finally learning to approach these situations with a more mature outlook, or perhaps it’s that I may have something else in my life to focus on, something to bring a different level of excitement at a time when my personal life is once again, in pieces. 

More on that soon!