I have been MIA recently, apologies for that. I have wanted to write but I have struggled to really form the words. Mentally and emotionally I feel like I’m in some kind of no-mans-land at the moment. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just that I’m not really sure how I feel about anything lately.
Last month I was surprised by an unexpected “I love you”, followed by a couple of weeks of rather intense romance before reality came crashing in once more and so rudely interrupted my reverie. I know as well as anyone that you cant change a man, but I suppose what I was secretly hoping for was that his natural state was in fact “committed to the relationship” and the “unreliable, aloof gentleman” was merely the facade he had put up as some kind of defense. Yes, yes, lectures and I-told-you-so’s not necessary, what was I thinking?
Well, let’s see. I was thinking that cynicism is no basis for a relationship. I was thinking that in order to make the best possible go of it, I had to allow myself to believe that his changed behaviour was a reflection of how he really wanted things to be, what he was comitted to achieving. I was thinking that I was at the edge of that relationship cliff where you have to decide to either step off or step out.
[And truth be told, I dont think it was all a lie. I think perhaps he really does want things to be a certain way, but right now he has too many other priorities. Health, Work, Daughter (despite the fact that she is an adult). As much as he would like to, he is just not able to push Serene higher up the priority list. And try as She might, Serene cannot convince herself that she is content with her pozzie at #4]
For all of my ponderings on how some of the men in my life have been closed off, incapable of opening up and thus, kyboshing any chance of an actual relationship, I think perhaps I do the same. So, how can I really expect them to commit while I stand aside with my arms folded, waiting for some arbitrary length of time before I decide that he has adequately proven himself?
That’s the thing about love and relationships, in order for them to work both of you have to give 100%. This also means that if it doesnt work out, it’s going to burn a little- ok, a LOT. But that’s the risk you take in order to get the potential payoff of one day finally landing in that relationship that doesn’t blow up in your face after you’ve sacrificed that last shred of dignity and exposed those soft squishy bits that you generally hide away from those who might choose to take a hefty boot (like- one of those spikey snow boots) to them.
But on the flipside, I think I am getting better at this. I dont even feel that bitter about it really. Acceptance is a relief and I feel that I’m finding it more readily these days.
As I said to The Crush over the weekend; he shouldn’t have to feel guilty about having other priorities that mean he is unable to give me what I want, but I should not have to feel guilty about wanting it.
It’s just one of those crappy situations where two people who care very much about each other are simply at different places in their lives.
i.e. bad timing.
So, either I’m finally learning to approach these situations with a more mature outlook, or perhaps it’s that I may have something else in my life to focus on, something to bring a different level of excitement at a time when my personal life is once again, in pieces.
More on that soon!