Just a Hint of Sparkle

Ok, so here we have another frivolous post.  I know that there are some people who read this blog who are amazing thinkers, they are philosophical and spiritual (all things which this blog is NOT), so this post may seem a little fickle and even vain, but really that’s ok.  It’s to be expected that these things will go hand in hand with a woman who is herself a little…well…fickle and vain (come on, aren’t we all? Just a little bit?)

So, if any of you read my recent novella, and if you managed to get through even most of it you would be aware that I’ve faced some challenges in my personal life lately and I’m about to face some, albeit exciting, challenges in my professional career in the not too distant future.

In between avoiding personal meltdowns and professional freakouts, I have discovered a few things to bring a smile to my face.

Absolute #1 at the moment – and I’m sure many of you have seen it already as it is spreading across the internet like wildfire- is Text From Dog

I have read every one and I greedily scour the website daily to see if any new ones have been posted.    I warn you, there is some rather colourful language, but I love it, and my favourites still make me laugh out loud, even if I have read them a good 20 times or more.

Secondly, Veronika Maine dresses.  I simply cannot get enough of these at the moment.  I currently own 4 in various styles from  kinda 1960’s chic knit, to sophisticated sleek.  I wear them to work, I wear them to BBQ’s, I’ll probably wear one of them shopping next time because they are so comfy and easy to slip on and off.  I have currently banned myself from going anywhere within a 50m radius of a VM store or stockist- I seem to be automatically pulled in, totally beyond my own control- by some gravitational field, after which they perform some kind of Jedi mind control trick forcing me to surrender my credit card to their mercy.

Thirdly, Savoir Faire lipstick! I received a free sample of one of these babies recently in the most crazy violet colour I never thought I’d wear.  Only, I did wear it, yesterday in fact, and I received a bucketload of compliments and not only that – it really lasted the whole day and didn’t dry out my lips! I actually struggled to get it off when I got home.  Today, I went online and bought one more in a colour I know I will be able to rock a little more regularly than the show-stopping Showgirl shade.

I also love that it’s a local product (I think?) go Perth, yay! 

Fourth – Belts.  Need I say more really? I have them in all colours and widths.  I am finally learning to accept the fact that my waist will always be out-of-proportion small compared to my hips.  I know it will be a lifetime struggle to find a pair of jeans that fit properly, but who knew that dresses could be so much fun! Team them with a contrasting belt to bring out your unique style, and I am a huge fan of including a pop of colour somewhere in my daily look. 

Perhaps even-

This dress (by Cooper St, photo sourced from www.alibionline.com.au):

with this belt by Elise (sourced from www.shopstyle.com.au)

Fifth, L’ Occitane (how DO you pronounce that, anyhow?) Verbena well….anything really! I have the Eau de Toilette, the shower gel, the gorgeous leaf-shaped soap and the body lotion and the liquid hand soap (before you judge, some of these were gifts, ok! I’m NOT a crazy person!).  Right now, I’m big on the body lotion at night-time before bed, and the EDT is so refreshing, it’s pefect to spritz on after a midday workout (post shower of course!).

Verbena Cleansing Hand Wash

Sixth, emptying my entire purse of coins into the Association for the Blind labrador shaped collection jars.  This is purely a selfish joy- because mentally I’m not really picturing the blind people, but rather the cute little guide dog puppies. I mean, how could one not, look at them!

one more…too much cuteness!

Finally, along similar lines, something always guaranteed to raise my spirits at least once a day are of course, my dogs.  Their antics always squeeze a giggle out of me.  Stories in the paper about unusual animals such as, albino Orcas also make me a little happy. And if that doesnt make you happy then at the very least, if you are feeling alone, you can bet poor old Iceberg feels your pain- at least you dont live in constant fear of starvation (hopefully- I mean, I’m guessing if you’re reading this blog this is not a likely concern for you) because your food source can see you coming a mile away!

Small things? Yes.

Important things? Not really but they are to me, in that moment that they bring me a little sparkle in an otherwise *heavy* day.

What silly little things provide you with a hint of fun in your day?  Do you notice them?

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Frown Upside Down

Wow, what a week!! I have had a headache for days, my brain has been firing on all neurons and in complete overdrive, hours spent in bed have been prolonged but sleep has been sketchy (and not in a fun way either! Hmph).

There have been one or two things ticking along over the past couple of months but I will not bore you will many irrelevant details. 

Let me begin this story at: last Friday.

Last Friday, I woke up in a happy place, it was a day off and I had a relatively chore-free day ahead.  I went to my training session, kicked a** in that, totally pumped despite the ridiculousness of the early hour for a day off.

I raced home to pull together the last of my PhD papers so I could drop them into the project manager and chew the fat over what’s been happening the past couple of years since my departure.

I sent The Crush  an upbeat text to say that I have cleared my calendar for the ONE weekend he was (apparently) free to see me over the next month.

And then, things started to crumble around me.

I got a phonecall on my work phone.  I didn’t answer the call because I was driving, but once I arrived at my destination I retrieved the voicemail, in case it was something I needed to attend to immediately.

It was from TC’s ex-wife….only, as it turns out, she isn’t his ex-wife, she’s his current FIANCÉE! 

I received a text from TC saying that she was going to call and that what she was going to say wasn’t true.

In a daze, I attended my meeting, though I’m not sure I really heard a word of what was said, my brain was too busy reliving every interaction with TC over the past 14 months, the excuses, the cancellations, the grand gestures when he was able to make time for me, the promises, the discussions about moving in together, the secrecy over where he lived, the seemingly honest error in the address he had given me days before (turns out his street didn’t exist- and even then I STILL did not assume he was lying- I thought the MAP was out of date!!!)

When I got out of the meeting, I tried to call him but no answer. 

Well, that’s not a good sign.

His fiancée had asked me to call her, but I didn’t want to talk to her, I wanted to hear it from HIM.

Finally, about 5 hours later he called. And he admitted it all.  He was engaged to someone else, he had been the whole time, they had been having problems, blah blah blah, same old cliché. 

His feelings for me were real.

He never meant to hurt me.

Irrelevant really, when he had knowingly lied to me for over a year and had put me in the position of being “the other woman”. 

Here I was again.

You think I would have learned to read the signs after the whole Mr X debacle.

But I guess it’s true that your perspective really does get skewed when your feelings are involved.

I haven’t spoken to him since.  I’ve received a few text messages, and some flowers but I really don’t know what I’m supposed to say to him.  I can’t forgive him for that lie- he knows that- but anything else I might say just makes me sound like a complete B**** and I don’t want that either.  I think silence is just the best right now, plus, one thing I DO know from experience is that until the anger hits (which it hasn’t yet), talking to him is likely to just make me sad and pathetic and then I probably will forgive him and somehow find a way to make it my fault.

But I feel really weirdly calm.  When I found out aboutMr X’stransgressions years ago, and when it all came to a head, I really flipped out in private.  I threw things, I cried hysterically, I punched the pillows, I cowered in corners, I would burst into tears in the middle of a task and sink to the floor in sobs. I wrote novels describing my feelings, I wrote about 13 letters to him that I never sent, I read and re-read years worth of text messages which I could never bring myself to delete.  I would listen to his voicemail messages over and over again until the phone company deleted them.

I was rendered truly useless for months.

But not this time. This time I’m just getting on with things, thankful even, for the fact that I now know the truth.  Thankful for the days that I wont waste waiting around for a man who will be spending it with someone else and telling me he had to work.

Fast forward to yesterday, when I attended a BBQ at my bestie’s place and – as pre-warned- Mr X  arrived with new Ms X and Baby X.   The first time I had laid eyes on him since sometime in 2009.  I knew they were going to be there, and I really thought it wouldn’t affect me at all.  After all, I’m totally over him- aren’t I?

WELL.

I’ll be honest. It really did feel like a kick in the gut. People were talking to me, I could see their mouths moving but for about a good half hour, all I could do was nod and smile, and try not to openly stare at her or the baby.  Didn’t help that she was stunning, the baby…well, he was cute in his own way but the snide cow inside me assured me that our baby would have been cuter.  When someone quietly (and jokingly) pointed out that the baby was blonde and was he sure it was really his? A teensy tiny little piece of me seriously wanted to consider that possibility.  But I squashed that thought pretty quickly. That’s just mean and besides, fair hair or not (which we all know can grow dark as one gets older), he did have some distinctly Mr X features. 

I feel good though, I didn’t cry, not even when I got home.  I didn’t get all mopey, but wow my chest still had that familiar ache that it always got around him after we went our separate ways. 

Some things you just never get over completely, I guess. 

At least I wasn’t ducking behind the BBQ to avoid him.

Finally, the last bit of drama for my week (I hope!) I resigned from my job today.

I was so nervous. I have had a fantastic offer from another company and it’s a really exciting opportunity.  But I honestly do love the people I currently work with and I am very sad to go.  I was so concerned they would feel like I was leaving them in the lurch, that I was betraying them somehow (as my previous employer was want to do).  But they were amazing, genuinely excited for me, but disappointed to see me go.

What a relief!

As B said today, after surviving this past week, I can survive ANYTHING.

Nevertheless, it took some awesome violet lipstick and a cracking dress to help me face this day, but I think the worst is over. 

I emerge from this week triumphant and bearing a genuine smile.  I refuse, REFUSE to let this week’s events drive me into a man-hating haze, even though I did have a strong desire on Saturday to knee every man I saw in the you-know-whatzits. 

But I am better than that.

Poised, even 😉

And I have the best of friends to keep me sane.

1 Person, 9 Personalities

I am on the cusp of some very big, potentially life changing news! The waiting is torture.  Excruciating even, but I hope I won’t have to wait too much longer.  My life lately has pretty much revolved around this little piece of news for the past few weeks, it’s all I can think about.  Perhaps I shouldn’t place all my hopes and dreams on one thing that may or may not, become a reality for me soon, but I can’t help it.  For now, it’s my little rainbow, glinting in the distance.  Nearer in my field of vision are my friends and loved ones who will still be there for me if I am faced with disappointment, the people who give my life substance.

But I can’t stop my tummy from doing a little flip when I think about the potential changes to come, and what opportunities that in turn might bring, and it makes me smile to think of it.

On the man front, I am still seeing The Crush, though I still doubt if we truly understand the needs of the other.  His inconsistencies confuse me to the point of hair-pulling at times, and I find my patience drawing extremely thin and the rollercoaster of the “highest high’s” and “lowest low’s” thoroughly exhausting.

But, I continue to loiter in this space, for the moment.

25 May 2012…that’s my deadline.

A somewhat arbitrary-but-not deadline I decided upon yesterday.

It is quite frightening that I now see the similarities between myself and my Ex, M.  Perhaps I am now at the point that he was (except for the desperately wanting a baby part), and I can kind of understand is inability to be flexible about his wants and needs.

For better or worse, I now find my resolve hardening when I think about what compromises I’m willing to make.  At the most basic level, I cannot accept a relationship where I am the one making ALL of the compromises.

I can’t help thinking that there has got to be something better. Surely there is a relationship out there for me that isn’t riddled with countless disappointments in the first year.

Which leads me to the Enneagram – an almost complete stranger sent me a book on this recently, and without even reading the majority of the other personality types, I knew without a doubt that I identified most strongly with Type 4- The Romantic.

Disclaimer: I’m not about to start basing my entire existence on the theory behind this personality test – or any personality test for that matter- as though it is the answer to all my problems. I must admit though, that I was reading it I did have flashbacks to a Scientology personality test I once did many moons ago – before I knew what it was.  (I of course walked out of there in disgust after they basically told me I was a manic depressive who could basically implode at any moment, and by the way I should spend a month’s rent on some books and classes to help me find my path). So, I tend to take these things with a grain of salt. However, I suppose I could view this as a tool, like any other that people might use to cope with their lives at various stages of development.  A tool, that can perhaps assist me personally to identify where my dissatisfaction stems from (and to take comfort in the realisation that I’m obviously not the first!) and make positive changes to overcome these negative thought processes.  I certainly wouldn’t condone it’s use to pigeon hole me as a person or to use it as a scapegoat for justifying bad behaviours as the Catholic World Report seems to believe (and they are most welcome to their opinion of course). My opinion is that I find these studies interesting, and I see no reason why they cant be useful when applied in a logical and level-headed manner.  Life is not black and white.  In a world of quick fixes, political correctness, lack of accountability and/or transferrance of responsibility: be discerning. Take the teachings that are useful to you to help you progress your journey to being a good person and finding your happy place. Don’t hurt others in the process.

This is a colorful gradient version of the Enn...

This is a colorful gradient version of the Enneagram figure or diagram. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(ahem). Sorry about the tangent.

Soooo, Type 4.  No, that does not mean I am all rose coloured glasses and love hearts (though my Facebook page might suggest otherwise on that latter point), but if this blog has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I do find it difficult to be content with the present and I am often dwelling on (and ok, “romanticising”) the past, or dreaming about some point in the future when things will be ultimately better.  Everyone does this to some extent, I know, but not always to the point, it seems, where such thought processes sabotage their ability to be happy in the present, as it would seem to do for me, if I’m being completely honest.

Case in point, this very post began with me idealising some potential change to the point where I’m almost convinced that should it occur, will make me happy and fix all of my current woes!

OR perhaps that isnt it at all.  Perhaps there just IS something better waiting for me than what I have experienced to date, and that when I find it I will be able to calm down just a little bit: be thankful for my past, content with my present, and anticipate my future.

(sigh) Ok, so I have some work to do, but first, some personal research and I’ll report back on that soon.

In the meantime, I am pleased to report that I managed to avoid the chocolate frenzy over Easter, but I am currently 4 cookies into my day and it’s only 9:33am.