Wow, what a week!! I have had a headache for days, my brain has been firing on all neurons and in complete overdrive, hours spent in bed have been prolonged but sleep has been sketchy (and not in a fun way either! Hmph).
There have been one or two things ticking along over the past couple of months but I will not bore you will many irrelevant details.
Let me begin this story at: last Friday.
Last Friday, I woke up in a happy place, it was a day off and I had a relatively chore-free day ahead. I went to my training session, kicked a** in that, totally pumped despite the ridiculousness of the early hour for a day off.
I raced home to pull together the last of my PhD papers so I could drop them into the project manager and chew the fat over what’s been happening the past couple of years since my departure.
I sent The Crush an upbeat text to say that I have cleared my calendar for the ONE weekend he was (apparently) free to see me over the next month.
And then, things started to crumble around me.
I got a phonecall on my work phone. I didn’t answer the call because I was driving, but once I arrived at my destination I retrieved the voicemail, in case it was something I needed to attend to immediately.
It was from TC’s ex-wife….only, as it turns out, she isn’t his ex-wife, she’s his current FIANCÉE!
I received a text from TC saying that she was going to call and that what she was going to say wasn’t true.
In a daze, I attended my meeting, though I’m not sure I really heard a word of what was said, my brain was too busy reliving every interaction with TC over the past 14 months, the excuses, the cancellations, the grand gestures when he was able to make time for me, the promises, the discussions about moving in together, the secrecy over where he lived, the seemingly honest error in the address he had given me days before (turns out his street didn’t exist- and even then I STILL did not assume he was lying- I thought the MAP was out of date!!!)
When I got out of the meeting, I tried to call him but no answer.
Well, that’s not a good sign.
His fiancée had asked me to call her, but I didn’t want to talk to her, I wanted to hear it from HIM.
Finally, about 5 hours later he called. And he admitted it all. He was engaged to someone else, he had been the whole time, they had been having problems, blah blah blah, same old cliché.
His feelings for me were real.
He never meant to hurt me.
Irrelevant really, when he had knowingly lied to me for over a year and had put me in the position of being “the other woman”.
Here I was again.
You think I would have learned to read the signs after the whole Mr X debacle.
But I guess it’s true that your perspective really does get skewed when your feelings are involved.
I haven’t spoken to him since. I’ve received a few text messages, and some flowers but I really don’t know what I’m supposed to say to him. I can’t forgive him for that lie- he knows that- but anything else I might say just makes me sound like a complete B**** and I don’t want that either. I think silence is just the best right now, plus, one thing I DO know from experience is that until the anger hits (which it hasn’t yet), talking to him is likely to just make me sad and pathetic and then I probably will forgive him and somehow find a way to make it my fault.
But I feel really weirdly calm. When I found out aboutMr X’stransgressions years ago, and when it all came to a head, I really flipped out in private. I threw things, I cried hysterically, I punched the pillows, I cowered in corners, I would burst into tears in the middle of a task and sink to the floor in sobs. I wrote novels describing my feelings, I wrote about 13 letters to him that I never sent, I read and re-read years worth of text messages which I could never bring myself to delete. I would listen to his voicemail messages over and over again until the phone company deleted them.
I was rendered truly useless for months.
But not this time. This time I’m just getting on with things, thankful even, for the fact that I now know the truth. Thankful for the days that I wont waste waiting around for a man who will be spending it with someone else and telling me he had to work.
Fast forward to yesterday, when I attended a BBQ at my bestie’s place and – as pre-warned- Mr X arrived with new Ms X and Baby X. The first time I had laid eyes on him since sometime in 2009. I knew they were going to be there, and I really thought it wouldn’t affect me at all. After all, I’m totally over him- aren’t I?
I’ll be honest. It really did feel like a kick in the gut. People were talking to me, I could see their mouths moving but for about a good half hour, all I could do was nod and smile, and try not to openly stare at her or the baby. Didn’t help that she was stunning, the baby…well, he was cute in his own way but the snide cow inside me assured me that our baby would have been cuter. When someone quietly (and jokingly) pointed out that the baby was blonde and was he sure it was really his? A teensy tiny little piece of me seriously wanted to consider that possibility. But I squashed that thought pretty quickly. That’s just mean and besides, fair hair or not (which we all know can grow dark as one gets older), he did have some distinctly Mr X features.
I feel good though, I didn’t cry, not even when I got home. I didn’t get all mopey, but wow my chest still had that familiar ache that it always got around him after we went our separate ways.
Some things you just never get over completely, I guess.
At least I wasn’t ducking behind the BBQ to avoid him.
Finally, the last bit of drama for my week (I hope!) I resigned from my job today.
I was so nervous. I have had a fantastic offer from another company and it’s a really exciting opportunity. But I honestly do love the people I currently work with and I am very sad to go. I was so concerned they would feel like I was leaving them in the lurch, that I was betraying them somehow (as my previous employer was want to do). But they were amazing, genuinely excited for me, but disappointed to see me go.
What a relief!
As B said today, after surviving this past week, I can survive ANYTHING.
Nevertheless, it took some awesome violet lipstick and a cracking dress to help me face this day, but I think the worst is over.
I emerge from this week triumphant and bearing a genuine smile. I refuse, REFUSE to let this week’s events drive me into a man-hating haze, even though I did have a strong desire on Saturday to knee every man I saw in the you-know-whatzits.
But I am better than that.
Poised, even 😉
And I have the best of friends to keep me sane.