Hello Morning!

There is something to be said about the briskness of a cold, clear winter morning…  The way the icy air catches in your throat when you first step outside…  The way it instantly jolts you awake and stings your eyes just that little bit… The way the quick under your fingernails tingles….

Ok, so, technically it’s only Autumn and this of course, is coming from a woman who lives in Australia so, this “icy” air is probably closer to a balmy spring day for those who live in much colder climates- hey, it was definitely below 10 degrees (Celsius), OK?!]

I woke up early this morning, having used a new alarm system.  I downloaded the “Sleep Cycle” App on my iPhone.  I’m sure it’s a load of rubbish but I really like the sound of the alarm (I’m currently on “Forest Glade”) and how it oh-so-gently brings me to consciousness.  It’s just less of a shock to the system if you ask me, and a much more pleasant way to wake up.  I’m sure there are other alarms that I could have downloaded for free and saved myself $0.99 but I was curious about what the App was supposed to do.

Nevertheless, my eyes still felt just as grainy as they always do, and I was still tempted to put my head back to pillow after turning off the alarm, like I always do.

But I didn’t. 

I had promised the dog an early morning walk, having spent too much time in the kitchen last night after my gym workout, and not wanting to venture out at 9pm by which time my quads were definitely protesting.  She didn’t seem to mind, we played with a tennis ball in the hallway for 15 minutes and I have some lovely scratches on my arms today to show for it.

A couple of years ago I was an enthusiastic morning person.  I LOVED getting outside before the sun was up and getting the blood pumping. In recent times, I have simply fallen out of the habit, I got lazy. I had forgotten how lovely it is to be outside so early in the mornings.  To see the sun rise and the world slowly wake up. It is dark in the mornings now until after 6:30am, but I have missed that early morning outdoor silence, the comfort and freedom that comes with knowing that you are unlikely to have to pass too many strangers who awkwardly look ahead or at their feet as they approach-rather than simply smiling and saying ‘hello’, the feeling of already being wide awake- before you switch on the coffee grinder (or step into the shower), that secret smugness you carry with you until well into the day knowing you’ve had a “great start”.

I know it seems strange to reacquaint myself with early morning during the colder, darker months of the year but that appears to be what I’m doing this year.

…And I’m loving it.

Hello Mornings!

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An Important Realisation

I’m feeling so calm about everything lately.  This is most unusual!

I’m working hard to get stuff done before I change jobs (although I do have my unproductive days), but I’m not stressing.

Being one dog down for the week has reduced my blood pressure enormously.  My labrador is calmer when it’s just her, walking is a breeze and I am most pleased to report: no clothes have been ruined during this experiment!

My new job starts soon and whilst I am cautious about the challenges ahead, I’m not freaking out (haha- yet!).

I’m enjoying some ‘me’ time – in fact, I haven’t really missed The Crush that much.  Possibly because he never really spent a great deal of time with me anyway so not much to adjust to there, really. 

But somehow this level of calm that I am experiencing I think is also linked to the fact that I’m not angry.  How can that be? The man who had me looking for houses for us to rent together was in fact engaged to someone else for the entire 14 months and failed to tell me.  How come I’m not angry?

Well, this question has irked me for a couple of weeks now, and all I can come up with is either:

i) I dont care enough to be angry (unlikely as I was picturing a future with him), OR

ii) I am grateful for NOT ending up with him because if he can lie for that long about something that big, then who knows what else he would lie about in the future.

It wasn’t meant to be.  I accept that.  It’s not meant to be that hard (have we heard these words before, people?).

Life/The Universe/Everything, has done me a great service of making sure I did not venture any further down that particular path.  I can see how, rather than being robbed of an idyllic future that was all in my head, I was instead rescued from a far more miserable reality.

Other good things are happening in my life.  I am healthy, I have a good job and about to start another.  I have some darned good friends and a wonderful family who support my choices no matter what. 

I’ve started to cook a little, I’m learning to budget properly (it’s my new obsession), I have plans and goals of my own that don’t involve another person, but which can be amended to include another person should the opportunity arise.

And what I have found is that in addition to not falling apart in private the minute I walk through my front door, I am functioning – and functioning well!

A friend of mine announced her engagement and pregnancy to me last week and I was genuinely 100% happy for her.  Not that I wouldnt be happy for her, but I think a year or two years ago, there might have been a twinge of jealousy, or envy, followed by a few days of me wishing my life was different.

Something significant has changed and it took something like this, something that perhaps not too long ago would have floored me for months, to help me realise how far I really have come.

Of course, it helps to not be angry when you are getting a text message everyday pleading you to forgive him.  My response to that is, the importance of my forgiveness pales in comparison to his ability to forgive himself- for what he lost.

I hope he does. I really don’t believe he is a bad person, he just made some really, really, bad choices.  Everyone does, at some stage or another.

However, I deserve better, and I’m going to hold out for that something better but in the meantime, I’m cool with how things are.

 

 

 

One Dog Down

Flatcoat retriever teef.

Flatcoat retriever teef. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m one dog down at the moment.  Spike has taken a vacation to mum and dad’s, to run around their farm for a week and hopefully burn off some excess steam.  They get walked daily but he still insists on digging new holes all over my backyard.  The other day he dug a hole so deep he exposed all of the water pipes…and then he dug some more!!

In the meantime, it’s also a test to see how Tess might cope without him.  The folks have expressed an interest in perhaps adopting him- provided he can get along with their very non-sociable German Shepherd. 

I love him and I can’t bear the thought of sending him off to a totally new family.  Nevertheless, I am seriously at my wits end- he is by far the most destructive dog I have ever owned, and other than concreting the entire backyard, I really don’t know how to stop him.  I also really don’t know how I will cope with this continued annihilation of my lawn and garden- it currently resembles something akin to a moonscape, and I can see it becoming a mud-pit in coming winter months.  I don’t mind one hole, but it seems the is determined to excavate every last inch!  He’s just a very “busy” dog and I struggle to keep him sufficiently entertained.  It was easier when I was still with my ex fiance – he used to finish work earlier than me so the dogs definitely had more human interaction during daylight hours.

Still, the house did seem quite empty (albeit calmer) without him.  It’s just that he is so gosh-darn affectionate, makes it impossible not to miss him!

Perhaps I need to get on with building a dedicated sandpit for them sooner, rather than later.

Right now I can’t help but wonder what state the yard will be in when I get home tonight, will be interesting to see how Tess coped without him for a full day.