I’m feeling so calm about everything lately. This is most unusual!
I’m working hard to get stuff done before I change jobs (although I do have my unproductive days), but I’m not stressing.
Being one dog down for the week has reduced my blood pressure enormously. My labrador is calmer when it’s just her, walking is a breeze and I am most pleased to report: no clothes have been ruined during this experiment!
My new job starts soon and whilst I am cautious about the challenges ahead, I’m not freaking out (haha- yet!).
I’m enjoying some ‘me’ time – in fact, I haven’t really missed The Crush that much. Possibly because he never really spent a great deal of time with me anyway so not much to adjust to there, really.
But somehow this level of calm that I am experiencing I think is also linked to the fact that I’m not angry. How can that be? The man who had me looking for houses for us to rent together was in fact engaged to someone else for the entire 14 months and failed to tell me. How come I’m not angry?
Well, this question has irked me for a couple of weeks now, and all I can come up with is either:
i) I dont care enough to be angry (unlikely as I was picturing a future with him), OR
ii) I am grateful for NOT ending up with him because if he can lie for that long about something that big, then who knows what else he would lie about in the future.
It wasn’t meant to be. I accept that. It’s not meant to be that hard (have we heard these words before, people?).
Life/The Universe/Everything, has done me a great service of making sure I did not venture any further down that particular path. I can see how, rather than being robbed of an idyllic future that was all in my head, I was instead rescued from a far more miserable reality.
Other good things are happening in my life. I am healthy, I have a good job and about to start another. I have some darned good friends and a wonderful family who support my choices no matter what.
I’ve started to cook a little, I’m learning to budget properly (it’s my new obsession), I have plans and goals of my own that don’t involve another person, but which can be amended to include another person should the opportunity arise.
And what I have found is that in addition to not falling apart in private the minute I walk through my front door, I am functioning – and functioning well!
A friend of mine announced her engagement and pregnancy to me last week and I was genuinely 100% happy for her. Not that I wouldnt be happy for her, but I think a year or two years ago, there might have been a twinge of jealousy, or envy, followed by a few days of me wishing my life was different.
Something significant has changed and it took something like this, something that perhaps not too long ago would have floored me for months, to help me realise how far I really have come.
Of course, it helps to not be angry when you are getting a text message everyday pleading you to forgive him. My response to that is, the importance of my forgiveness pales in comparison to his ability to forgive himself- for what he lost.
I hope he does. I really don’t believe he is a bad person, he just made some really, really, bad choices. Everyone does, at some stage or another.
However, I deserve better, and I’m going to hold out for that something better but in the meantime, I’m cool with how things are.