OK so, 2013 was a tough year for me both professionally and personally. Professionally I was being pushed beyond the boundaries of what I knew (which I considered to be a good, albeit, nerve fraying experience), pushed beyond my limits of what I considered sensible hours to actually BE working, and pushed beyond the safety net where others were around to rush to my defense and accept that sometimes I have to toughen up and stand up for myself.
Personally, ohhhh….do we really want to go there? I only blogged a handful of times last year and even then most of the times they were a whine-fest. But I as I always say, it’s my blog, and it really started out as being a bit of an online diary, like many, I suppose. So, I am not going to beat myself up about having moments of weakness and allowing myself to get caught up in negativity, as long as its a healthy indulgence and not a spiral into self-loathing and man-hating.
So, as has already been discussed in a previous post (or perhaps many, I didnt go back and reread all of my 2013 posts, it was too cringeworthy), many of my friends fell pregnant and had babies last year. All of the babies arrived safe and sound and I am happy to report they are all quite cute with some distinct personalities already showing, but I am genuinely not bitter and in fact, rather surprisingly, completely unclucky!
Despite the [temporary] limitations on my social life and the fact that I miss my beautiful friends, I savor my freedom even more so now than I ever did.
Which has consequently, made dating even harder because whilst the men I have met in recent months have all been very nice, kind souls, I have just found them to be …well…a little boring. That sounds horrible I know, but its just how I feel. So I would spend my time running away from these men to be on my own and do my own thing.
Its strange that I have no real criteria (other than that they should be employed, non-smokers, and not living with their parents), yet I still haven’t found what I’m looking for (that wasn’t intended to be a reference to Bono but hey…it was a good line).
So that got me to thinking. Over the past few years, I have whittled my “criteria” down to that short little list thinking that I was doing a good thing (for the guys as well as me), but maybe what it has done is prevented me from really thinking about and identifying what I AM looking for. So there might be a little more thought going into that this year, I guess it’s hard for me to find the right guy if I’m dating every man that doesn’t cause my tummy to flip but who meets my appallingly short list of must-haves (or “preferable”‘s if that sounds a little more forgiving).
But most of all this year I am focusing on the following:
- learning to back myself (professionally and personally)
- spending more time with my parents
- talking to my sister more
- resisting the urge to feel guilty about things that I really don’t need to feel guilty about
- MINDFULNESS. Getting out of my own head and the thought spirals that lead to catastrophic thinking
There is nothing in that list about my weight, or sporting aspirations, or money because whilst these too are things I will be attempting to balance better this year, I really think that If I can focus on the list, these things will happen anyway, because I will be happier and more content and will learn how to focus on the things that are truly important to me.
Of course, I will continue to be open to engaging with any new men that come on the scene too, but perhaps I might just pull back on the “searching” aspect. People always tell me that you find love when you aren’t looking for it. Quite frankly, I think that’s complete BS. A few months earlier of course, those SAME people were telling me that if I don’t put the effort in, how am I expected to find it?
But I think there is a difference to being open to something vs. desperately seeking it or conversely, pretending that its not important to me at all. Both of those latter scenarios give off the completely wrong vibe.
I already have a pretty great life, I dont think I need to take time out to focus on “me”, hell, I spend far too much time in my own head as it is… but I can focus on some key areas that I know will bring me more of what I already love in my life.
So, I guess I just made my 2014 resolutions?
Happy New Year lovely people, whoever/wherever you are.