Dance in the Face of Your Fear

uncertain

“What do you want?”

Why is that such a difficult question to answer? Decisiveness, it seems, is not one of my strengths.  As I get older, it becomes ever more difficult to make a clear decision and feel comfortable about it.  Strange really, when I think about how I always assumed that decisions would come more easily with age and experience.

What I hadn’t counted on, was the fact that seemingly wrong choices can make you fearful to trust your own judgement.  Is that my gut talking? Or my old companion, Fear? I don’t know.

People often say there is no such thing as a “wrong” choice.  I would like to think that is true, and I do hope it is.  But you never really know until later, do you? Until you have found comfort down the road, that you can look back and feel good about what you did to get there.

So, if you can’t know until later, then even seemingly RIGHT choices can wind up being royal clusterfucks – where is the comfort in that???

And then of course, there are the disasters that are never chosen at all, but forced upon us anyway, despite our best efforts to keep them at bay.  Illness, unemployment, freak fatal theme park accidents…

And that there my friends, is just a very mild example of my escalation to catastrophic thinking.

*deep breath*

All I can do is keep going, one choice at a time, and trust that I will one day wonder “why did I waste so much energy worrying?”.

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Calm Down, It’s Only Survival Instinct

When we aren’t where we think we want to be (or worse, the dreaded “should be”), it becomes so tempting, so easy, to romanticise the past.  We look back at jobs we had (and left), or relationships that we had (and left), and strangely only ever remember the good things, and before we know it, we are craving to go back to an old life, with our known comforts (an discomforts).

But not only is going backward not an option, it is also not recommended.

I do remind myself, however, that when things are seemingly going well for me and I am confidently striding along my desired path, that I also have a tendency to belittle my past experiences.  “I am so much happier now”, “This is so much better than where I was/who I was with before”.

The truth- I know- is that neither of these scenarios is actually correct.  They are both false representations of my current situation (and my past).  It is my mind playing [a rather nasty] trick on me.  Maybe it is somehow linked to our survival instincts, i.e. when things are good and we are safe we should roam far and wide and gather food, etc. vs when there is danger, we retreat to a place that we know to be safe.

The problem is, our mind only perceives things, it rarely ever really knows things.  So, for example we only perceive that last job to be “not so bad after all” relative to the stressful situation you might find yourself in this moment. But in a moment of clarity, you might realise that there are so many different reasons why the current position is better and might help you move you closer to your goals.

So, I am trying to not let my mind play tricks on me, and I am going to try to plunge through that veil of false perception in those moments where I begin to demonise my current trajectory.

 

The Work is Never Done

breakup

I get that breakups are never easy, even when you are the one doing the breaking, but man, I wish that experience with breakups could at least count for something.

Wine doesn’t help.  In fact, it really does make things a whole lot worse, and I will be the first to confess to a couple of “raging bitch” moments this weekend.  Perhaps that is one thing I can keep in mind for next time (of which I hope there won’t be one but, you know, statistically speaking that is wishful thinking).

I also hate being “that woman” who does the breaking up but then proceeds to bawl through the entire process.  I feel those tears start to burn and I want to punch myself in the face.

And why are we even breaking up? I have absolutely no idea.

Maybe its the way he blows his nose in the shower, or chews with his mouth open, or his endless observations about the likelihood of the economy crashing so badly that we will all one day have to go back to subsistence farming.

Maybe.

However, in the scheme of things that constitute bad boyfriend behaviour, or “deal breakers”, these things don’t even make it into the ball park.

We get told all of the time that in order to be capable maintaining healthy relationships, we must be comfortable with being alone with ourselves.  I sometimes wonder if I have taken that concept far too literally and now find myself unable to sustain the company of another.  Or maybe it is something to do with that whole “loving yourself” caper.  I really did think I was all over that, but I have begun to develop and inkling of late that my initial conclusion on that point was flawed.

Someone told me recently also, that their therapist had brutally (albeit accurately) said to them “No one is coming to save you”.  I agree wholeheartedly with this statement, academically, I understand that we can only save ourselves, but despite that (and despite having literally spent days listening to Eckhardt Tolle and Alan Watts recordings) – I shamefully confess that deep down I think I secretly still thought my knight would come, and that I would be fixed and I would finally find happiness and then live forever after in soul-warming bliss.

I am disappointed to discover that my heart still is not on board with my head, and that there is still much work to be done.

I know of course, that the work will never be done.

Now I have unwittingly allowed another to get caught up in this mess, and suddenly I feel like I am back at square one.

:/