“What do you want?”
Why is that such a difficult question to answer? Decisiveness, it seems, is not one of my strengths. As I get older, it becomes ever more difficult to make a clear decision and feel comfortable about it. Strange really, when I think about how I always assumed that decisions would come more easily with age and experience.
What I hadn’t counted on, was the fact that seemingly wrong choices can make you fearful to trust your own judgement. Is that my gut talking? Or my old companion, Fear? I don’t know.
People often say there is no such thing as a “wrong” choice. I would like to think that is true, and I do hope it is. But you never really know until later, do you? Until you have found comfort down the road, that you can look back and feel good about what you did to get there.
So, if you can’t know until later, then even seemingly RIGHT choices can wind up being royal clusterfucks – where is the comfort in that???
And then of course, there are the disasters that are never chosen at all, but forced upon us anyway, despite our best efforts to keep them at bay. Illness, unemployment, freak fatal theme park accidents…
And that there my friends, is just a very mild example of my escalation to catastrophic thinking.
All I can do is keep going, one choice at a time, and trust that I will one day wonder “why did I waste so much energy worrying?”.