The Bench

It has been difficult to focus on work today. I managed to get a couple of hours done this morning but I seem to have lost my sense of diligence to the customer. 

Every paper shuffle, every click of a pen, or fork against a plate (being lunchtime) sent a thousand rivulets of irritation coursing up my spine, until it was all I could do to stop myself from screaming with frustration at the entire office.

Needless to say, I have removed myself for a walk in the sunshine. I have been walking a lot lately. I think I clocked up about 40km over the weekend. It seems to be the only thing I can handle at the moment and it appears to be keeping me somewhat sane. The only problem is that the moment I stop, the listlessness returns. 

I have found myself at the bench where you first kissed me and I sit here watching the boats bob and rock on the water at their moorings in front of me. A couple embrace and laugh, down on the grass closer to the water and I try to focus on their joy, to share in it and let go of the feeling of loss and envy. 

I don’t think I am succeeding.

I suppose I feel the most hurt by the fact that I have had no voice in all of this. I guess it is your decision after all, if you don’t want this then nothing I can say or do will change that. But your apparent lack of interest in even engaging at all with me or attempting to work through this has been torture. 

Maybe your conclusion is the right one, but as someone who thought they were an equal in a loving relationship- young though it may have been -I guess I expected to at least be consulted rather than dictated to. I was blindsided. A terse message telling me to detach being our last correspondence ….Well, if someone has physically kicked me in the gut, it could not have hurt more. The wind was quite literally knocked out of me. 

I should be angry, but I’m not. I know you are in pain, and you are trying to keep it together. I just wish we could have worked though it in partnership. I thought that was what loving someone was all about. You know, to be there in difficult times as well as the good times. 

As I stare at the boats I recall nervously skippering the boat just four weekends ago, and you putting your arms around me and whispering “I love you” into my ear. 

I wonder at how suddenly things can change. Just as the sun was a moment ago warming me, the cold breeze has suddenly picked up leaving me shivering so violently I can barely type. Or perhaps it is not the wind.

I can’t believe I am back here again.

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