I get that breakups are never easy, even when you are the one doing the breaking, but man, I wish that experience with breakups could at least count for something.
Wine doesn’t help. In fact, it really does make things a whole lot worse, and I will be the first to confess to a couple of “raging bitch” moments this weekend. Perhaps that is one thing I can keep in mind for next time (of which I hope there won’t be one but, you know, statistically speaking that is wishful thinking).
I also hate being “that woman” who does the breaking up but then proceeds to bawl through the entire process. I feel those tears start to burn and I want to punch myself in the face.
And why are we even breaking up? I have absolutely no idea.
Maybe its the way he blows his nose in the shower, or chews with his mouth open, or his endless observations about the likelihood of the economy crashing so badly that we will all one day have to go back to subsistence farming.
However, in the scheme of things that constitute bad boyfriend behaviour, or “deal breakers”, these things don’t even make it into the ball park.
We get told all of the time that in order to be capable maintaining healthy relationships, we must be comfortable with being alone with ourselves. I sometimes wonder if I have taken that concept far too literally and now find myself unable to sustain the company of another. Or maybe it is something to do with that whole “loving yourself” caper. I really did think I was all over that, but I have begun to develop and inkling of late that my initial conclusion on that point was flawed.
Someone told me recently also, that their therapist had brutally (albeit accurately) said to them “No one is coming to save you”. I agree wholeheartedly with this statement, academically, I understand that we can only save ourselves, but despite that (and despite having literally spent days listening to Eckhardt Tolle and Alan Watts recordings) – I shamefully confess that deep down I think I secretly still thought my knight would come, and that I would be fixed and I would finally find happiness and then live forever after in soul-warming bliss.
I am disappointed to discover that my heart still is not on board with my head, and that there is still much work to be done.
I know of course, that the work will never be done.
Now I have unwittingly allowed another to get caught up in this mess, and suddenly I feel like I am back at square one.