I am on the cusp of some very big, potentially life changing news! The waiting is torture. Excruciating even, but I hope I won’t have to wait too much longer. My life lately has pretty much revolved around this little piece of news for the past few weeks, it’s all I can think about. Perhaps I shouldn’t place all my hopes and dreams on one thing that may or may not, become a reality for me soon, but I can’t help it. For now, it’s my little rainbow, glinting in the distance. Nearer in my field of vision are my friends and loved ones who will still be there for me if I am faced with disappointment, the people who give my life substance.
But I can’t stop my tummy from doing a little flip when I think about the potential changes to come, and what opportunities that in turn might bring, and it makes me smile to think of it.
On the man front, I am still seeing The Crush, though I still doubt if we truly understand the needs of the other. His inconsistencies confuse me to the point of hair-pulling at times, and I find my patience drawing extremely thin and the rollercoaster of the “highest high’s” and “lowest low’s” thoroughly exhausting.
But, I continue to loiter in this space, for the moment.
25 May 2012…that’s my deadline.
A somewhat arbitrary-but-not deadline I decided upon yesterday.
It is quite frightening that I now see the similarities between myself and my Ex, M. Perhaps I am now at the point that he was (except for the desperately wanting a baby part), and I can kind of understand is inability to be flexible about his wants and needs.
For better or worse, I now find my resolve hardening when I think about what compromises I’m willing to make. At the most basic level, I cannot accept a relationship where I am the one making ALL of the compromises.
I can’t help thinking that there has got to be something better. Surely there is a relationship out there for me that isn’t riddled with countless disappointments in the first year.
Which leads me to the Enneagram – an almost complete stranger sent me a book on this recently, and without even reading the majority of the other personality types, I knew without a doubt that I identified most strongly with Type 4- The Romantic.
Disclaimer: I’m not about to start basing my entire existence on the theory behind this personality test – or any personality test for that matter- as though it is the answer to all my problems. I must admit though, that I was reading it I did have flashbacks to a Scientology personality test I once did many moons ago – before I knew what it was. (I of course walked out of there in disgust after they basically told me I was a manic depressive who could basically implode at any moment, and by the way I should spend a month’s rent on some books and classes to help me find my path). So, I tend to take these things with a grain of salt. However, I suppose I could view this as a tool, like any other that people might use to cope with their lives at various stages of development. A tool, that can perhaps assist me personally to identify where my dissatisfaction stems from (and to take comfort in the realisation that I’m obviously not the first!) and make positive changes to overcome these negative thought processes. I certainly wouldn’t condone it’s use to pigeon hole me as a person or to use it as a scapegoat for justifying bad behaviours as the Catholic World Report seems to believe (and they are most welcome to their opinion of course). My opinion is that I find these studies interesting, and I see no reason why they cant be useful when applied in a logical and level-headed manner. Life is not black and white. In a world of quick fixes, political correctness, lack of accountability and/or transferrance of responsibility: be discerning. Take the teachings that are useful to you to help you progress your journey to being a good person and finding your happy place. Don’t hurt others in the process.
This is a colorful gradient version of the Enneagram figure or diagram. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
(ahem). Sorry about the tangent.
Soooo, Type 4. No, that does not mean I am all rose coloured glasses and love hearts (though my Facebook page might suggest otherwise on that latter point), but if this blog has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I do find it difficult to be content with the present and I am often dwelling on (and ok, “romanticising”) the past, or dreaming about some point in the future when things will be ultimately better. Everyone does this to some extent, I know, but not always to the point, it seems, where such thought processes sabotage their ability to be happy in the present, as it would seem to do for me, if I’m being completely honest.
Case in point, this very post began with me idealising some potential change to the point where I’m almost convinced that should it occur, will make me happy and fix all of my current woes!
OR perhaps that isnt it at all. Perhaps there just IS something better waiting for me than what I have experienced to date, and that when I find it I will be able to calm down just a little bit: be thankful for my past, content with my present, and anticipate my future.
(sigh) Ok, so I have some work to do, but first, some personal research and I’ll report back on that soon.
In the meantime, I am pleased to report that I managed to avoid the chocolate frenzy over Easter, but I am currently 4 cookies into my day and it’s only 9:33am.
In Search of 'Serene' 